By Andrea Philippou, Contributor, Emerson College
What’s wrong with being called “sir” instead of “miss”? How learning about queer theory, gender and sexuality has inspired me to combat sexism and the gender binary.
“What would you like to order, sir?”
“Any more questions... Yes! You sir...”
“Yes... What’s your name, sir?”
I have been mistaken as a man a few times in my life.
I usually kept my hair cut short and wore baggy clothes, my trademark black “men’s” watch and no make-up.
When I told my mother about this, however, she was more offended than I was. She told me how she would be very offended if she herself were in that position, while I, being the person whose “gender” was “mistaken” for another, did not find it offensive in the least. When I told my mother about not being offended, she was all the more shocked by that, too.
In an attempt to try and understand my mother’s logic, I had to sit back and reflect on why she was offended with my gender being mistaken by someone else when it was not the case with me. I had to consider why it felt like I had to force myself to conform to traditional feminine styles as a means of being more accepted into society, despite how I am the first to admit that I am not that way. I actually have a more stereotypical traditionally-masculine style, such as my preference to have short hair over long hair, my favour towards suits with trousers over extremely tight-fitting tops or dresses and skirts, and my muscular body structure... The list of not traditionally “feminine” traits I portray could go on – yet that is for another day.
After talking to several people about this, I now feel that I may have more of an understanding as to why many people such as my mother would have been offended about being mistaken for the so-called “opposite gender.”
We live in a world where sexism is still alive and well, yet one of the things that makes sexism thrive in today’s society is that many people deny that it exists. Many people also claim that if sexism is acknowledged, the acknowledgement introduces “things that are not there” – even though, in reality, they are there, whether one acknowledges them or not.
We live in a world where women are still paid (on average) 77 cents to every man’s dollar, and women of color and transgendered people, male or female, are paid even less – as though someone’s gender which does not align with the cis-gendered male identity immediately devalues that person’s worth.
Yet ironically enough, we also live in a world where many biological females like me who are not traditionally “feminine” by society’s standards are apparently valued less. We get labeled as “dykes” or “women trying to be men.” We also live in a world where biological men are pressured to fit the “macho” stereotype so they can meet the societal standards of what it means to be a “man." Ever since the day we are born, we are exposed to this compartmentalizing of gender. As long as people in our society still support this tradition (even without any idea what harm they impose by doing so), it will continue to thrive.
Therefore, this dogma of trying to fit every individual into a category or “box” concerning gender, sexuality or any other human issue has resulted in past generations not seeing any other way to live or any other way to feel about these things. My mother was born in the United States in 1957. That was a year which was part of a decade when her mother (my grandmother) embodied a typical “1950s housewife,” whose role was to stay at home, cook, clean, have children and look after them, while my grandfather had to make money working outside the house. Unfortunately, there are many people, men and women alike, who still believe that women should conform to the same role, and wear dresses, skirts and make-up, while men should stick to wearing suits, trousers, and be the “breadwinners”.
In the end, the truly important thing to remember is that this doctrine is old, stale and doesn’t really have logic behind it. The only real reason I feel that people reinforce this, is because that is all they know and it is how they’ve been raised. They may even go as far as to use the reason they promote the gender binary because “it worked for them”, therefore, it should be applied to the next generation, the generation after that, etc.
Ever since I have started reading and learning about gender, race, queer theory and many other sociological issues that are important to address, I began to view life through a different perspective. Instead of trying to force myself to conform to what my parents, my culture and others I knew have been used to, I started to realize why I felt differently to how I was “expected” to feel. Instead of wondering what was wrong with me, I posed a question: Is there anything wrong with me, in feeling this way? Certainly not!
I began to view myself differently.
I realized that I was not supposed to feel offended if that was not how I truly felt. There was no need to conform nor to pretend. What others may feel about gender, no matter the reason behind such feelings, is valid – yet so are my feelings about my gender, which, frankly, seems to have taken quite a turn ever since I’ve started thinking about gender and sexuality on another level. In fact, the more I think about those instances where my “gender” was “mistaken”, the more I feel inclined to smile, rather than feel ashamed. Okay, so there were a few people I’ve encountered in my life who perceived me as something different to how I’m “supposed” to be perceived as – so what? I personally believe it is not worth getting hurt over.
What I do believe is worth our energy is not trying to conform to stereotypes and gender binary in hoping that we would make others happy, but simply be people with a worthy purpose. We should work on being kind, intelligent and passionate, regardless of our gender identity, our sexuality, our race, religion or whatever else is part of our individuality. Every person is an individual. Gender is one of many small things that make up an individual, and we should not let that factor dictate how we view people. After all, as the narrator from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast once stated, “beauty is found within." That beauty should not be defined by society’s labels of gender, but by our own.
What’s wrong with being called “sir” instead of “miss”? How learning about queer theory, gender and sexuality has inspired me to combat sexism and the gender binary.
“What would you like to order, sir?”
“Any more questions... Yes! You sir...”
“Yes... What’s your name, sir?”
I have been mistaken as a man a few times in my life.
I usually kept my hair cut short and wore baggy clothes, my trademark black “men’s” watch and no make-up.
When I told my mother about this, however, she was more offended than I was. She told me how she would be very offended if she herself were in that position, while I, being the person whose “gender” was “mistaken” for another, did not find it offensive in the least. When I told my mother about not being offended, she was all the more shocked by that, too.
In an attempt to try and understand my mother’s logic, I had to sit back and reflect on why she was offended with my gender being mistaken by someone else when it was not the case with me. I had to consider why it felt like I had to force myself to conform to traditional feminine styles as a means of being more accepted into society, despite how I am the first to admit that I am not that way. I actually have a more stereotypical traditionally-masculine style, such as my preference to have short hair over long hair, my favour towards suits with trousers over extremely tight-fitting tops or dresses and skirts, and my muscular body structure... The list of not traditionally “feminine” traits I portray could go on – yet that is for another day.
After talking to several people about this, I now feel that I may have more of an understanding as to why many people such as my mother would have been offended about being mistaken for the so-called “opposite gender.”
We live in a world where sexism is still alive and well, yet one of the things that makes sexism thrive in today’s society is that many people deny that it exists. Many people also claim that if sexism is acknowledged, the acknowledgement introduces “things that are not there” – even though, in reality, they are there, whether one acknowledges them or not.
We live in a world where women are still paid (on average) 77 cents to every man’s dollar, and women of color and transgendered people, male or female, are paid even less – as though someone’s gender which does not align with the cis-gendered male identity immediately devalues that person’s worth.
Yet ironically enough, we also live in a world where many biological females like me who are not traditionally “feminine” by society’s standards are apparently valued less. We get labeled as “dykes” or “women trying to be men.” We also live in a world where biological men are pressured to fit the “macho” stereotype so they can meet the societal standards of what it means to be a “man." Ever since the day we are born, we are exposed to this compartmentalizing of gender. As long as people in our society still support this tradition (even without any idea what harm they impose by doing so), it will continue to thrive.
Therefore, this dogma of trying to fit every individual into a category or “box” concerning gender, sexuality or any other human issue has resulted in past generations not seeing any other way to live or any other way to feel about these things. My mother was born in the United States in 1957. That was a year which was part of a decade when her mother (my grandmother) embodied a typical “1950s housewife,” whose role was to stay at home, cook, clean, have children and look after them, while my grandfather had to make money working outside the house. Unfortunately, there are many people, men and women alike, who still believe that women should conform to the same role, and wear dresses, skirts and make-up, while men should stick to wearing suits, trousers, and be the “breadwinners”.
In the end, the truly important thing to remember is that this doctrine is old, stale and doesn’t really have logic behind it. The only real reason I feel that people reinforce this, is because that is all they know and it is how they’ve been raised. They may even go as far as to use the reason they promote the gender binary because “it worked for them”, therefore, it should be applied to the next generation, the generation after that, etc.
Ever since I have started reading and learning about gender, race, queer theory and many other sociological issues that are important to address, I began to view life through a different perspective. Instead of trying to force myself to conform to what my parents, my culture and others I knew have been used to, I started to realize why I felt differently to how I was “expected” to feel. Instead of wondering what was wrong with me, I posed a question: Is there anything wrong with me, in feeling this way? Certainly not!
I began to view myself differently.
I realized that I was not supposed to feel offended if that was not how I truly felt. There was no need to conform nor to pretend. What others may feel about gender, no matter the reason behind such feelings, is valid – yet so are my feelings about my gender, which, frankly, seems to have taken quite a turn ever since I’ve started thinking about gender and sexuality on another level. In fact, the more I think about those instances where my “gender” was “mistaken”, the more I feel inclined to smile, rather than feel ashamed. Okay, so there were a few people I’ve encountered in my life who perceived me as something different to how I’m “supposed” to be perceived as – so what? I personally believe it is not worth getting hurt over.
What I do believe is worth our energy is not trying to conform to stereotypes and gender binary in hoping that we would make others happy, but simply be people with a worthy purpose. We should work on being kind, intelligent and passionate, regardless of our gender identity, our sexuality, our race, religion or whatever else is part of our individuality. Every person is an individual. Gender is one of many small things that make up an individual, and we should not let that factor dictate how we view people. After all, as the narrator from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast once stated, “beauty is found within." That beauty should not be defined by society’s labels of gender, but by our own.