By Megan Kay, Staff Writer, Emerson College
“Well, based on everything you’ve told me, it seems like you do have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.”
I sat in my therapist's office, completely unfeeling, because I had already accepted my diagnosis a long time ago. Two years ago, in fact, when I was originally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
At first, I just thought the extreme stress I felt about my body and the food that I ate came from my anxiety disorder. However, after a couple of years, my general anxiety has faded so that it only affects me occasionally. My BDD however, is consistently punishing.
Thoughts about food constantly swarmed my mind : How many calories does this have? What should I eat tomorrow? God, I ate too much, I hate myself. Do I look fatter today? Food and my body became an obsession. One summer before my senior year of high school, I even verged on anorexia and forced myself to eat extremely small portions of food and starve. I embraced the feeling of complete emptiness in my stomach. I told myself that not eating was worth it, that I would be happy when I was skinny.
The problem was, I was already naturally skinny, I was just blinded at the time by my BDD.
This past winter break, my BDD came back in full force, just as it had the summer before senior year. Every day I relentlessly thought about food. I couldn’t sleep at night because I was endlessly mentally beating myself up for being “fat.” I would critique my body every day in my full length mirror, patting myself on the back when I thought I looked skinnier, and hating myself when I thought my thighs looked slightly larger than the day before. Every bite of food that passed through my lips was pure torture. I was terrified to eat.
It was then I accepted the diagnosis I had been denying for two years. I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I was so sick of hating myself. I confessed in tears to my mom about how I felt and she immediately arranged an appointment with my therapist. Since that meeting I’ve been trying to accept of myself and work towards recovery and a healthy mental state.
The strangest part, however, about coming clean to people about my disorder is that so many people don’t know what Body Dysmorphic Disorder is. BDD is a mental illness where those affected are preoccupied with something about their body, whether it be weight or a scar, that other people don’t necessarily even notice. People with BDD often have extremely low self-esteem and view themselves as “ugly”.
There are many reasons why people develop Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Personally, I know one reason I have low self esteem is because I was bullied as a child in school. Ever since a young age, I have looked down on myself and regarded myself with little worth.
There is, however, another element to it. Our modern society and the way it portrays women as hyper sexualized objects is important to consider as well. BDD did not exist before modern media: It is a direct product of how women are portrayed in the world around us.
The worst part about being diagnosed with BDD, and the reason I denied it for so long (apart from being ashamed because of the stigmas surrounding eating disorders), is that it directly conflicted with my feminism. I'm not afraid in the slightest to call myself a feminist - it has always been one of my defining characteristics. But this is why it hurts me so much to know that I have BDD. I hate the fact that I am not strong enough to fight off the sexist images of the media. I criticize myself everyday for succumbing to these traps. I feel like a hypocrite. After all, how can I preach against the mainstream media and our testosterone-fueled society but still fall victim to it?
I wanted to write this article because I am sick of society telling us to be ashamed of our bodies. I grow stronger and more empowered everyday, but I know that there are other girls and women out there who feel what I have felt and have thought the horrible and hateful things that I have thought about myself.
I will not stand for this. I refuse to be silent while the mainstream media continues to hound women and young girls everywhere with fake, photoshopped pictures of starving models and women with plastic surgery. This is a complete misrepresentation of women everywhere. Women are 51% of the population and we deserve better than this. We deserve to be able to look in the mirror and love ourselves on a daily basis. We deserve to see relatable women in magazines, on television, and in movies who are more than their bodies. We deserve to be treated as humans and not as sex objects.
Being diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder has made me an even stronger feminist than I was before. I know first hand the consequences of a nation that neglects, demeans, and diminishes women. I know how terrible it is to feel the symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and I hate that other women feel the same way. For a long time I felt as if I didn’t have control over my own body. Now, as I recover and make progress towards a healthy state of mind, I am regaining the ability to say that I like (dare I say even love?) my body. But even more importantly, I love who I am as a person and I love the young woman that I am becoming.
It is time to embrace ourselves. You are more than your diagnosis.
If you or someone you know has or may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, talk to someone. Consult a doctor or therapist and don’t be afraid to be honest and open with your feelings.
Megan Kay is a freshman Writing For Film and Television major who is obsessed with all things feminism, fashion, and pop culture.
“Well, based on everything you’ve told me, it seems like you do have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.”
I sat in my therapist's office, completely unfeeling, because I had already accepted my diagnosis a long time ago. Two years ago, in fact, when I was originally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
At first, I just thought the extreme stress I felt about my body and the food that I ate came from my anxiety disorder. However, after a couple of years, my general anxiety has faded so that it only affects me occasionally. My BDD however, is consistently punishing.
Thoughts about food constantly swarmed my mind : How many calories does this have? What should I eat tomorrow? God, I ate too much, I hate myself. Do I look fatter today? Food and my body became an obsession. One summer before my senior year of high school, I even verged on anorexia and forced myself to eat extremely small portions of food and starve. I embraced the feeling of complete emptiness in my stomach. I told myself that not eating was worth it, that I would be happy when I was skinny.
The problem was, I was already naturally skinny, I was just blinded at the time by my BDD.
This past winter break, my BDD came back in full force, just as it had the summer before senior year. Every day I relentlessly thought about food. I couldn’t sleep at night because I was endlessly mentally beating myself up for being “fat.” I would critique my body every day in my full length mirror, patting myself on the back when I thought I looked skinnier, and hating myself when I thought my thighs looked slightly larger than the day before. Every bite of food that passed through my lips was pure torture. I was terrified to eat.
It was then I accepted the diagnosis I had been denying for two years. I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I was so sick of hating myself. I confessed in tears to my mom about how I felt and she immediately arranged an appointment with my therapist. Since that meeting I’ve been trying to accept of myself and work towards recovery and a healthy mental state.
The strangest part, however, about coming clean to people about my disorder is that so many people don’t know what Body Dysmorphic Disorder is. BDD is a mental illness where those affected are preoccupied with something about their body, whether it be weight or a scar, that other people don’t necessarily even notice. People with BDD often have extremely low self-esteem and view themselves as “ugly”.
There are many reasons why people develop Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Personally, I know one reason I have low self esteem is because I was bullied as a child in school. Ever since a young age, I have looked down on myself and regarded myself with little worth.
There is, however, another element to it. Our modern society and the way it portrays women as hyper sexualized objects is important to consider as well. BDD did not exist before modern media: It is a direct product of how women are portrayed in the world around us.
The worst part about being diagnosed with BDD, and the reason I denied it for so long (apart from being ashamed because of the stigmas surrounding eating disorders), is that it directly conflicted with my feminism. I'm not afraid in the slightest to call myself a feminist - it has always been one of my defining characteristics. But this is why it hurts me so much to know that I have BDD. I hate the fact that I am not strong enough to fight off the sexist images of the media. I criticize myself everyday for succumbing to these traps. I feel like a hypocrite. After all, how can I preach against the mainstream media and our testosterone-fueled society but still fall victim to it?
I wanted to write this article because I am sick of society telling us to be ashamed of our bodies. I grow stronger and more empowered everyday, but I know that there are other girls and women out there who feel what I have felt and have thought the horrible and hateful things that I have thought about myself.
I will not stand for this. I refuse to be silent while the mainstream media continues to hound women and young girls everywhere with fake, photoshopped pictures of starving models and women with plastic surgery. This is a complete misrepresentation of women everywhere. Women are 51% of the population and we deserve better than this. We deserve to be able to look in the mirror and love ourselves on a daily basis. We deserve to see relatable women in magazines, on television, and in movies who are more than their bodies. We deserve to be treated as humans and not as sex objects.
Being diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder has made me an even stronger feminist than I was before. I know first hand the consequences of a nation that neglects, demeans, and diminishes women. I know how terrible it is to feel the symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and I hate that other women feel the same way. For a long time I felt as if I didn’t have control over my own body. Now, as I recover and make progress towards a healthy state of mind, I am regaining the ability to say that I like (dare I say even love?) my body. But even more importantly, I love who I am as a person and I love the young woman that I am becoming.
It is time to embrace ourselves. You are more than your diagnosis.
If you or someone you know has or may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, talk to someone. Consult a doctor or therapist and don’t be afraid to be honest and open with your feelings.
Megan Kay is a freshman Writing For Film and Television major who is obsessed with all things feminism, fashion, and pop culture.