By Terri Bulan, Staff Writer, Emerson College
If you’re going to hurl an insult at someone, make sure it’s a good one. Do not just call someone “stupid.” It’s boring. If you’re going to insult someone in a boring way, they’re not even going to remember you insulted them. If you’re going to get all up in someone’s face, you better stun him or her with some great insult.
You’ve got to get creative. It’s mandatory to be creative with your word choice and phrasing when insulting someone. It is of the utmost importance. Bland, cliché put-downs are an insult to you and your intelligence, rather than to the asshole that pissed you off. Mixing up your vocabulary is a great first step. Don’t lean on a single word for a name. You have to think of some more unique words. If you have to go to the thesaurus or spend some time with a dictionary, go for it. You will really love the reaction you get from someone when you call them “Asinine human-shaped pile of bird shit.”
Big words work well, too. If you have a wide vocabulary, use it! You know that guy who drives the absurdly loud Mustang down your street every night around 3 a.m.? Don’t call him an asshole. “Ostentatious Fucker” works so much better.
The purpose behind the use of big words is to stun and confuse your target. Not many people use big words on a day to day basis, so throwing in a word that would appear on the SATs will surprise the person who you’re insulting. A lot of the time people won’t also know the meaning of the five cent words you’ll choose, which just adds to the insult. You don’t only get to call them a “Curmudgeon Fuckwad,” but you also get to insult their intelligence for not knowing the meaning of the word you just previously insulted them with. It’s an opportunity for a double whammy and you should take advantage of it.
A successful insult always (ALWAYS!) makes you look more intelligent than the person you are hurling the words at. The purpose of an insult is to demean the other person to make them look bad and you look better. The ultimate way to do that is to make them look or feel stupid. Nothing can make your verbal opponent look worse than making it clear to them and the observers of the altercation that they lack intelligence.
Never be afraid to get a little abstract. Don’t fret about using metaphors and similes. You may not have a Ph. D. in literature, but in order to insult someone well, you need to at least know the definitions of similes and metaphors. They will make insulting better and easier. If you’re at a high school’s horrible recreation of the musical Grease and the lead actor cannot sing if his life and the fate of the world depended on it, compare his singing to something awful. Say something along the lines of “This kid is about as talented as a rotting squirrel carcass,” or “he sounds like Gilbert Gottfried orgasming.”
The overall purpose of amping up your insults is so that you can walk away from an argument knowing you’ve won. A good insult can have the same effect as a slap to the face. It shuts up the person you’re in a dispute with and shocks them, which gives you time to turn around triumphantly and walk away. It is a verbal backhand. If you are in the situation to affront someone, don’t hesitate to whip out an ass-kicking insult. You will thank yourself later.
Terri Bulan is a Writing for Film and Television major (WTF for short) and a Psychology minor. She enjoys long walks on the beach (seriously), puppies, nutella, & horror movies. Her writing inspiration comes from her intrinsic need to entertain people and thus tricking them into liking her and being her friends.
If you’re going to hurl an insult at someone, make sure it’s a good one. Do not just call someone “stupid.” It’s boring. If you’re going to insult someone in a boring way, they’re not even going to remember you insulted them. If you’re going to get all up in someone’s face, you better stun him or her with some great insult.
You’ve got to get creative. It’s mandatory to be creative with your word choice and phrasing when insulting someone. It is of the utmost importance. Bland, cliché put-downs are an insult to you and your intelligence, rather than to the asshole that pissed you off. Mixing up your vocabulary is a great first step. Don’t lean on a single word for a name. You have to think of some more unique words. If you have to go to the thesaurus or spend some time with a dictionary, go for it. You will really love the reaction you get from someone when you call them “Asinine human-shaped pile of bird shit.”
Big words work well, too. If you have a wide vocabulary, use it! You know that guy who drives the absurdly loud Mustang down your street every night around 3 a.m.? Don’t call him an asshole. “Ostentatious Fucker” works so much better.
The purpose behind the use of big words is to stun and confuse your target. Not many people use big words on a day to day basis, so throwing in a word that would appear on the SATs will surprise the person who you’re insulting. A lot of the time people won’t also know the meaning of the five cent words you’ll choose, which just adds to the insult. You don’t only get to call them a “Curmudgeon Fuckwad,” but you also get to insult their intelligence for not knowing the meaning of the word you just previously insulted them with. It’s an opportunity for a double whammy and you should take advantage of it.
A successful insult always (ALWAYS!) makes you look more intelligent than the person you are hurling the words at. The purpose of an insult is to demean the other person to make them look bad and you look better. The ultimate way to do that is to make them look or feel stupid. Nothing can make your verbal opponent look worse than making it clear to them and the observers of the altercation that they lack intelligence.
Never be afraid to get a little abstract. Don’t fret about using metaphors and similes. You may not have a Ph. D. in literature, but in order to insult someone well, you need to at least know the definitions of similes and metaphors. They will make insulting better and easier. If you’re at a high school’s horrible recreation of the musical Grease and the lead actor cannot sing if his life and the fate of the world depended on it, compare his singing to something awful. Say something along the lines of “This kid is about as talented as a rotting squirrel carcass,” or “he sounds like Gilbert Gottfried orgasming.”
The overall purpose of amping up your insults is so that you can walk away from an argument knowing you’ve won. A good insult can have the same effect as a slap to the face. It shuts up the person you’re in a dispute with and shocks them, which gives you time to turn around triumphantly and walk away. It is a verbal backhand. If you are in the situation to affront someone, don’t hesitate to whip out an ass-kicking insult. You will thank yourself later.
Terri Bulan is a Writing for Film and Television major (WTF for short) and a Psychology minor. She enjoys long walks on the beach (seriously), puppies, nutella, & horror movies. Her writing inspiration comes from her intrinsic need to entertain people and thus tricking them into liking her and being her friends.