By Anonymous, Contributor, Emerson College
The drive was exhausting. All the way to New York City for one day. I was beat. Everything in the car was dark. We had our black coffees, with a darkish blue sky, in our dark skirts, dark pants, dark dresses, with dark circles under all of our eyes.
Fuck don’t cry, you’re not even there yet.
My sister was recently dumped, so my mother and I proceeded to tell her how the man was a jerk and how she could do much better. In the repertoire of all women is how to console another woman about a man.
I took my sister's mascara. What a wretched face. There is no way any guy in the city will find me attractive looking like this. I brushed on the mascara and dabbed on the lipstick. We stopped at a gas station to change fully into our formal attire. I wore my only conservative black dress with sleeves and buttons down the front.
Don’t cry, you have all day for that. Don’t ruin the makeup.
We arrived in the city late. We walked into the gargantuan building. Crap, we’re lost. There are hundreds of rooms. We walk into one. Nope. Not a single person recognizable. We walk to the end of the hall. We hear names being exchanged. Ah, that’s the one.
The room was crowded. In fact so crowded that my sister, my mother and I had to stand outside the door to listen to the speakers. It sounded like muffled voices with short amounts of chuckling and sniffles being held back. From the murmur behind us, people kept walking back and forth into and office. The experience was less than relaxing. Especially when everyone around you is in tears.
The speakers are done. We found our way into the room. My sister was on the couch with her face in her hands with her two best friends next to her. I never saw my sister cry so hard in my life. As soon as I saw my oldest sister crying, the one who had always been so strong, I couldn't control myself anymore. I broke down into almost sobbing. She walked right to our mother and hugged her. My mother is the best human whenever we hit our worst. The only thing my sister kept muttering was, “I remember when she was that age. I remember it so clearly,” while pointing to me. My sister and I embraced our big sister and supported her. She kept staring at me with the most terrified look on her face. She sat back down to continue her breakdown. It was time for me to move onto the hardest part.
I walked into the other section of the room with my sister and my mother. My mother kept saying,
“I can’t look. I can’t. It’s too painful.”
As soon as we saw the big box in the middle of the room, my mother instantly turned around crying, saying how she couldn’t do it. Then I made the biggest mistake in that moment. I looked.
There, in that big box in the middle of the room was a small creature. With blue shoes on with a teddy bear next to him. The skin was very pale, practically blue. My tears felt so violent I thought I’d throw up.
I turned my head away from the box and there stood Emily. She didn’t speak, she didn’t move. She hugged everyone in front of me with the blankest look on her face. I knew that she wasn’t here. She was not present with us. When it came to me, she looked at me and had no idea who I was until I embraced her with all I had. She then turned her head and said,
“My god, I remember when you were so much smaller. You’ve grown so much!”
She didn’t cry, in fact she smiled a bit. I then cried harder into her shoulder, and said, “Yeah, I know.”
When I walked away, I practically ate my own tongue out I was so angry and sad. This wasn’t fair. Nothing about this whole thing was fair or right.
A stranger came up to me and held me. His arms were big and enclosed my entire body. I instantly felt safe again.
I stood there, collected myself and proceeded with the rest of the herding people. This day was far from over.
We all stood outside as a family, waiting for the next brutal event. I caught up with my sister’s friends from college that I hadn’t seen since I was as small as Emily remembered. In that moment when people say, “Wow! You’ve grown so much!”
It is not as much of a reflection on how much the person they are talking about has changed but rather how they are aging themselves and their own mortality comes to light.
Fuck, I just want a cigarette. I will feel so much better. Everyone around me is smoking, FUCK.
We got in the car, silent as ever, and proceeded to the chapel.
Everyone from the memorial was there. In fact, one of the cutest boys I’d ever seen was there. I had never seen him before this day, but I instantly fancied him. I wonder if he saw me. Hope not. With all this makeup grotesquely crusting in skewed lines on my face I would hope no one saw me.
We all went inside to where that dreaded box was again. The inside was the most beautiful architecture I’d ever seen. Light baby blue, with a hint of creme and specks of gold engraved into the walls. We all sat together and each received a single white rose.
A man stood at the front and started to speak about the afterlife once everyone was seated. I was determined not to listen, thinking it would only make me angrier. However, everything the man said was kind, warm and thoughtful. Just as it should’ve been.
The only sounds in the beautiful room that could be heard other than the man were Emily wailing inconsolably and a baby crying in the back. At this point everyone was choking back tears. No matter how many kind words the man said, no one could make any of it better. Finn was gone. And Emily will forever blame herself. It was the cruelest nightmare imagined.
“This is a nightmare,” I kept repeating in my head.
When the sermon was over, we all walked up to the box and put our rose on top. The last one in the room was Emily.
It was Emily and Finn in their final moments together as family. Forced to say goodbye forever with no reply.
Everyone stood outside silently, as Emily practically screamed from the inside of the chapel. It was time.
She walked out, supported by her father and her brother, who was equally inconsolable. He cried as she looked catatonic.
The nightmare of that moment was almost over for all who observed that day. Until Emily gave her final word.
“I can’t just leave him. I can’t leave my baby in there! He needs me.”
My God. Everyone was in visible pain.
Emily got into the car, and the car drove off slowly.
Everyone dispersed quietly into their cars. And then we left.
It was over for some, and never for others. The only thing certain is that everyone was changed from that day. No one can go unchanged when they are touched by a tragedy with no possibility of a happy ending.
My sister hasn’t been the same since.
The drive was exhausting. All the way to New York City for one day. I was beat. Everything in the car was dark. We had our black coffees, with a darkish blue sky, in our dark skirts, dark pants, dark dresses, with dark circles under all of our eyes.
Fuck don’t cry, you’re not even there yet.
My sister was recently dumped, so my mother and I proceeded to tell her how the man was a jerk and how she could do much better. In the repertoire of all women is how to console another woman about a man.
I took my sister's mascara. What a wretched face. There is no way any guy in the city will find me attractive looking like this. I brushed on the mascara and dabbed on the lipstick. We stopped at a gas station to change fully into our formal attire. I wore my only conservative black dress with sleeves and buttons down the front.
Don’t cry, you have all day for that. Don’t ruin the makeup.
We arrived in the city late. We walked into the gargantuan building. Crap, we’re lost. There are hundreds of rooms. We walk into one. Nope. Not a single person recognizable. We walk to the end of the hall. We hear names being exchanged. Ah, that’s the one.
The room was crowded. In fact so crowded that my sister, my mother and I had to stand outside the door to listen to the speakers. It sounded like muffled voices with short amounts of chuckling and sniffles being held back. From the murmur behind us, people kept walking back and forth into and office. The experience was less than relaxing. Especially when everyone around you is in tears.
The speakers are done. We found our way into the room. My sister was on the couch with her face in her hands with her two best friends next to her. I never saw my sister cry so hard in my life. As soon as I saw my oldest sister crying, the one who had always been so strong, I couldn't control myself anymore. I broke down into almost sobbing. She walked right to our mother and hugged her. My mother is the best human whenever we hit our worst. The only thing my sister kept muttering was, “I remember when she was that age. I remember it so clearly,” while pointing to me. My sister and I embraced our big sister and supported her. She kept staring at me with the most terrified look on her face. She sat back down to continue her breakdown. It was time for me to move onto the hardest part.
I walked into the other section of the room with my sister and my mother. My mother kept saying,
“I can’t look. I can’t. It’s too painful.”
As soon as we saw the big box in the middle of the room, my mother instantly turned around crying, saying how she couldn’t do it. Then I made the biggest mistake in that moment. I looked.
There, in that big box in the middle of the room was a small creature. With blue shoes on with a teddy bear next to him. The skin was very pale, practically blue. My tears felt so violent I thought I’d throw up.
I turned my head away from the box and there stood Emily. She didn’t speak, she didn’t move. She hugged everyone in front of me with the blankest look on her face. I knew that she wasn’t here. She was not present with us. When it came to me, she looked at me and had no idea who I was until I embraced her with all I had. She then turned her head and said,
“My god, I remember when you were so much smaller. You’ve grown so much!”
She didn’t cry, in fact she smiled a bit. I then cried harder into her shoulder, and said, “Yeah, I know.”
When I walked away, I practically ate my own tongue out I was so angry and sad. This wasn’t fair. Nothing about this whole thing was fair or right.
A stranger came up to me and held me. His arms were big and enclosed my entire body. I instantly felt safe again.
I stood there, collected myself and proceeded with the rest of the herding people. This day was far from over.
We all stood outside as a family, waiting for the next brutal event. I caught up with my sister’s friends from college that I hadn’t seen since I was as small as Emily remembered. In that moment when people say, “Wow! You’ve grown so much!”
It is not as much of a reflection on how much the person they are talking about has changed but rather how they are aging themselves and their own mortality comes to light.
Fuck, I just want a cigarette. I will feel so much better. Everyone around me is smoking, FUCK.
We got in the car, silent as ever, and proceeded to the chapel.
Everyone from the memorial was there. In fact, one of the cutest boys I’d ever seen was there. I had never seen him before this day, but I instantly fancied him. I wonder if he saw me. Hope not. With all this makeup grotesquely crusting in skewed lines on my face I would hope no one saw me.
We all went inside to where that dreaded box was again. The inside was the most beautiful architecture I’d ever seen. Light baby blue, with a hint of creme and specks of gold engraved into the walls. We all sat together and each received a single white rose.
A man stood at the front and started to speak about the afterlife once everyone was seated. I was determined not to listen, thinking it would only make me angrier. However, everything the man said was kind, warm and thoughtful. Just as it should’ve been.
The only sounds in the beautiful room that could be heard other than the man were Emily wailing inconsolably and a baby crying in the back. At this point everyone was choking back tears. No matter how many kind words the man said, no one could make any of it better. Finn was gone. And Emily will forever blame herself. It was the cruelest nightmare imagined.
“This is a nightmare,” I kept repeating in my head.
When the sermon was over, we all walked up to the box and put our rose on top. The last one in the room was Emily.
It was Emily and Finn in their final moments together as family. Forced to say goodbye forever with no reply.
Everyone stood outside silently, as Emily practically screamed from the inside of the chapel. It was time.
She walked out, supported by her father and her brother, who was equally inconsolable. He cried as she looked catatonic.
The nightmare of that moment was almost over for all who observed that day. Until Emily gave her final word.
“I can’t just leave him. I can’t leave my baby in there! He needs me.”
My God. Everyone was in visible pain.
Emily got into the car, and the car drove off slowly.
Everyone dispersed quietly into their cars. And then we left.
It was over for some, and never for others. The only thing certain is that everyone was changed from that day. No one can go unchanged when they are touched by a tragedy with no possibility of a happy ending.
My sister hasn’t been the same since.