*So your summer is turning into a giant bore-fest with you counting down the days until you’re back in college, substituting weekend trips to Allston with daily doses of Netflix? Let me save you the trouble of clicking on a suggested unknown movie. The ‘pros’ and the ‘cons’ and everything in between are below.
Why You Clicked On It
Besides the fact that this was in your suggested movie list because you accidentally clicked on a lesbian indie film two weekends ago, the chick on the movie poster reminds you of everything you wish you could be - blonde, in a bikini, and tanning, with a creepy looking male shadow watching you as if you were the only object in the world that matters. (If you don’t think you want any of those things then you were probably the kid that only ate the red m&ms and thought Fall Out Boy would be the next Queen).
A mystery writer (Charlotte Rampling) decides that she needs a break from her daily life and escapes to her publisher’s French country house. There, she begins to settle in but is disturbed when the publishers daughter (Ludivine Sagnier) crashes. The two are butt heads and creepy shit goes down.
- Film Kids Love It
2. Boobs + Sex
-Old boobs, young boobs. There are boobs for all tastes.
- Want to see a hot girl have sex with a stranger she met at some bar? Well this movie is for you! (You might also want to find some other hobby too because I’m sensing you are really treading dangerous waters with the whole ‘creepy, horny dude’ thing)
3. Twist Ending
-You will never see it coming. Okay…maybe you saw it coming. But just like the people that keep giving M. Knight Shyamalan a chance by going to see his movies (even the one about the devil inside of an elevator), you should give this one a chance.
- Twist Ending
2. Film Kids Love It
- While I appreciate the art of film-making, can we please stop doing these long ass pans over ivy-covered houses? This might be a French town, but the wall that house has looks very American. At least American enough that it doesn’t deserve a second look. ALSO, I GET THAT YOU ARE IN FRANCE, you don’t need to show me the shopping list of a woman in France. The food is better than anywhere else. I. Get. It. Now let me diet in my room alone while I paint hearts over my Jonas Brothers calendar.
3. Creepy Shit
- The dude shadow in the poster turns out to be a horny dude in the movie who stands over the girl’s bikini clad body and touches his speedo-clad boner. Speedo’s aren’t flattering on anyone. ANYONE. I’m looking at you, John Travolta.
- A very small weird looking lady pops into the movie for 4 minutes disappears and is never heard of again for the rest of the film. Why? BECAUSE IT IS ART. ART DOESN’T NEED A REASON, YOU PEASANT.
See it if you want to knock something of the list that a film professor might have you watch. Otherwise, save yourself the hassle and just rent While You Were Sleeping. Seriously. Sandra Bullock pretends to be married to a guy in a coma and falls in love with the guy’s brother. You can’t make that stuff up.
Author’s Note: That little lady midget appearing scared the shit out of me. It was the only part of the movie that I could not get out of my head for days. Beware.
Some may call Dasha Fayvinova a visionary, others just call her really pale. Whichever you prefer, know that she's 5'9 and from the Bronx. She loves writing and she loves comedy which just means she will take any headline and try to make it funny. She spent 5 years of her life talking to a camera and putting it on YouTube so she knows how to please people. Follow her on Twitter @thedasha92.