By Madeline Poage, Staff Writer, Emerson College
The palm trees sway in the warm night breezes. You see your lover waiting there, bathed in moonlight. Petite, almost tiny. She moves slowly, cautiously towards you. Spiky hair, button nose. You brush a chaste kiss to the top of her head, then move to unbuckle your belt.
Twenty minutes, three police officers, two ejaculations, several pinpricks decorating your skin, and one terrified animal later, you’re in a windowless cell awaiting booking. Know why? This is Florida, and you just had sexual relations with a porcupine, and that’s illegal in the good ol’ Sunshine State.
Welcome! This is just one of many sex laws in the US of A, and man, does it get weird.
We all know the government loves to regulate morality - just look at prohibition. Except they remembered to repeal that one. Due to either a poor filing system or laziness (possibly both), our leaders never bothered to do away with the ancient, puritanical laws that still dictate how we deal with our libidos. But even the government itself doesn’t escape these decrees - in Nevada, it is illegal for any member of the legislature to wear a penis costume while the legislature is in session (there go my career plans).
The palm trees sway in the warm night breezes. You see your lover waiting there, bathed in moonlight. Petite, almost tiny. She moves slowly, cautiously towards you. Spiky hair, button nose. You brush a chaste kiss to the top of her head, then move to unbuckle your belt.
Twenty minutes, three police officers, two ejaculations, several pinpricks decorating your skin, and one terrified animal later, you’re in a windowless cell awaiting booking. Know why? This is Florida, and you just had sexual relations with a porcupine, and that’s illegal in the good ol’ Sunshine State.
Welcome! This is just one of many sex laws in the US of A, and man, does it get weird.
We all know the government loves to regulate morality - just look at prohibition. Except they remembered to repeal that one. Due to either a poor filing system or laziness (possibly both), our leaders never bothered to do away with the ancient, puritanical laws that still dictate how we deal with our libidos. But even the government itself doesn’t escape these decrees - in Nevada, it is illegal for any member of the legislature to wear a penis costume while the legislature is in session (there go my career plans).
Back to porcupines. Or, more generally, animals. Because in West Virginia, they are free agents. Men, if you want to get your freaky side on with our more wild, natural friends of the animal kingdom when visiting, go right ahead. Unless, of course, the animal weighs more than 40 pounds - curves are a no-no. Stick to squirrels and yappy dogs. Similarly, in Utah, have sex with as many animals as you want. Just be careful not to exchange money. Remember, together, and only together, can we put the animal pimps out of business. So no prostituting our furry friends, unless you want the full power of the American police force smacking you upside the head and shoving your junk back into your pants. Same goes for men in Minnesota who want to insert themselves into a “live fish” (apparently, when women and dead fish are involved, Minnesota grants its blessing).
But at least these laws serve some sort of purpose - protecting animals from the kinkier sides of healthy, all-American lust. And speaking of sins, engaging in sexual intercourse with Satan is perfectly legal in Bakersfield, California - as long as condoms are used. I believe these are referred to as “common sense laws.” We all saw how Rosemary’s Baby ended. And while we’re on sinning, let me bring your attention to Willowdale, Oregon, where no man may curse while having sex with his wife. Essentially taking the “fuck” out of “fucking.”
This is an example of the government intervening in the bedroom where it kind of, oh, how do I put this...doesn’t really have any jurisdiction. Like in Michigan, where single men and women caught having sex can be fined as much as $5,000 and can receive a sentencing of up to five years in prison. And this includes heterosexual couples. I mean, we’re all used to the government inserting its fat nose into homosexual bedrooms, but this isn’t just homophobia. It’s downright nosy.
And with regards to homophobia, dear old Congress doesn’t stop at banning gay marriage. Say what you will about our legislatures, they don’t half-ass anything, even when royally fucking up. There are a whole slew of laws banning homosexual acts of naughtiness, most notably in Maryland, where anal sex can ensure the participants a 1-to-10 year prison sentence. Oral sex is also on the chopping block, with Rhode Island deeming it an “abominable, detestable crime against nature,” with a 7-to-10 year prison sentence. The same holds true in New Mexico, along with a $5,000 fine saddled along with the jail time.
I know these laws aren’t to be taken so seriously. In Washington, it’s illegal to have sex with a virgin. Ever. Under any circumstances. And the population in Washington hasn’t died off, so we know no one obeys that law, at least.
But at least these laws serve some sort of purpose - protecting animals from the kinkier sides of healthy, all-American lust. And speaking of sins, engaging in sexual intercourse with Satan is perfectly legal in Bakersfield, California - as long as condoms are used. I believe these are referred to as “common sense laws.” We all saw how Rosemary’s Baby ended. And while we’re on sinning, let me bring your attention to Willowdale, Oregon, where no man may curse while having sex with his wife. Essentially taking the “fuck” out of “fucking.”
This is an example of the government intervening in the bedroom where it kind of, oh, how do I put this...doesn’t really have any jurisdiction. Like in Michigan, where single men and women caught having sex can be fined as much as $5,000 and can receive a sentencing of up to five years in prison. And this includes heterosexual couples. I mean, we’re all used to the government inserting its fat nose into homosexual bedrooms, but this isn’t just homophobia. It’s downright nosy.
And with regards to homophobia, dear old Congress doesn’t stop at banning gay marriage. Say what you will about our legislatures, they don’t half-ass anything, even when royally fucking up. There are a whole slew of laws banning homosexual acts of naughtiness, most notably in Maryland, where anal sex can ensure the participants a 1-to-10 year prison sentence. Oral sex is also on the chopping block, with Rhode Island deeming it an “abominable, detestable crime against nature,” with a 7-to-10 year prison sentence. The same holds true in New Mexico, along with a $5,000 fine saddled along with the jail time.
I know these laws aren’t to be taken so seriously. In Washington, it’s illegal to have sex with a virgin. Ever. Under any circumstances. And the population in Washington hasn’t died off, so we know no one obeys that law, at least.
In the end, these laws are a remnant of the past, a world where kissing had time limits (make-out sessions can’t last more than five minutes in Iowa), truck drivers were discriminated against (it’s illegal to have sex with one, specifically in a tollbooth, in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania), and prostitutes had limitations on vehicles to work out of (in South Dakota, they are forbidden from working out of covered wagons). So if you live anywhere in the United States and worry about getting arrested for these - don’t. You’ll probably be fine. I mean, they’re still laws, so technically I can’t condone breaking them, but seriously. You want to visit my home state of New Jersey and make out in a car and accidentally honk the horn during your “lustful act”? Go for it. You’ll probably be okay.
And remember - if you’re in Idaho, police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window of your car if they suspect you’re using the backseat to do the dirty. They have to drive up behind you, honk their horn three times, and wait approximately two minutes before getting out to investigate. That’s two solid minutes of getaway time, folks. Use it well.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline onTwitter.
Images: Corbis
And remember - if you’re in Idaho, police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window of your car if they suspect you’re using the backseat to do the dirty. They have to drive up behind you, honk their horn three times, and wait approximately two minutes before getting out to investigate. That’s two solid minutes of getaway time, folks. Use it well.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline onTwitter.
Images: Corbis