By Madeline Poage, Staff Writer, Emerson College
When it comes to inequality in relationships, we like to think we’ve come a long way. Women aren’t property, can file for divorce, and are no longer just baby-making machines in the bedroom. But in many regards, women are still expected to assume a passive role in the face of a dominant male.
It’s an old trope. Guy pursuing uninterested girl, going out of his way to make her realize the true depths of his feeling for her. Red roses, knights in shining armor, grand gestures, the whole schtick. What is this guy? Romantic. A hopeless romantic at that, tormented by an unrequited love. We’ve seen it before, but we’ll let it slide on its cuteness factor. Now reverse the genders. Girl pursues uninterested guy, throws every sappy cliche at him, and what is she? Desperate. Pathetic. Hormonal. Because God forbid a woman initiate any sexual or romantic desire.
Both boys and girls are instilled with the idea that men are the pursuers, the ones who ask the girl out. They are the ones that pass notes with instructions to check yes or no, they bring the flowers for prom, they pay for dates. According to love advice blogs online, a woman shouldn’t ask a man out because this “can be taken as aggressive, desperate, and masculine” (Katz). As if expressing interest in another person is an inherently masculine trait. Another (female) blogger explained the validity of this opinion by claiming, “It’s just nature. Men are hunters, and facts are facts” (Stanger). This institutionalized dominance continues into adulthood, with men spending months building up the courage to ask women to marry them, and the women having less than thirty seconds to decide, with extra pressure added during public proposals. In these instances, and in many other ways, things happen to women, rather than with women. Too many girls have come back from a dinner with a potential partner and said uncertainly, “I think I just went on a date,” which in itself defies the definition of a date. It cannot be a date unless both participants decide it is.
When it comes to inequality in relationships, we like to think we’ve come a long way. Women aren’t property, can file for divorce, and are no longer just baby-making machines in the bedroom. But in many regards, women are still expected to assume a passive role in the face of a dominant male.
It’s an old trope. Guy pursuing uninterested girl, going out of his way to make her realize the true depths of his feeling for her. Red roses, knights in shining armor, grand gestures, the whole schtick. What is this guy? Romantic. A hopeless romantic at that, tormented by an unrequited love. We’ve seen it before, but we’ll let it slide on its cuteness factor. Now reverse the genders. Girl pursues uninterested guy, throws every sappy cliche at him, and what is she? Desperate. Pathetic. Hormonal. Because God forbid a woman initiate any sexual or romantic desire.
Both boys and girls are instilled with the idea that men are the pursuers, the ones who ask the girl out. They are the ones that pass notes with instructions to check yes or no, they bring the flowers for prom, they pay for dates. According to love advice blogs online, a woman shouldn’t ask a man out because this “can be taken as aggressive, desperate, and masculine” (Katz). As if expressing interest in another person is an inherently masculine trait. Another (female) blogger explained the validity of this opinion by claiming, “It’s just nature. Men are hunters, and facts are facts” (Stanger). This institutionalized dominance continues into adulthood, with men spending months building up the courage to ask women to marry them, and the women having less than thirty seconds to decide, with extra pressure added during public proposals. In these instances, and in many other ways, things happen to women, rather than with women. Too many girls have come back from a dinner with a potential partner and said uncertainly, “I think I just went on a date,” which in itself defies the definition of a date. It cannot be a date unless both participants decide it is.
Many women have experienced something similar. When a close friend and I watched a movie, firmly separated by an entire couch cushion, I was naturally surprised when the credits started rolling and he seemed to leap across the chasm to plant a squashy kiss on my lips. Rather than push him off and politely explain that I wasn’t attracted to him in that way and I would prefer to remain friends, I figured, “Hey, why not? I should be flattered.” I went along with it because it was easier than attempting to justify why I didn’t feel the same he did. Even as a person who considers herself a progressive feminist, free from outdated social conventions restricted by gender, I demonstrated a predictably passive response to what was actually a pretty big deal.
The relationship did not go well. He was more heavily invested in the relationship, while I began to find ways to avoid him. At the root of the problem, I missed the friend I’d had and hated the relationship I hadn’t wanted, but I wasn’t able to articulate this until our messy breakup.
And this happened to me, a girl who’s Second-Wave feminism mother couldn’t listen to her ramble on about a crush without insisting I ask him out. And despite the knowledge that my gender shouldn’t inhibit my ability to complete this task, I refused every time. It was easier to wait - less controversy, less confrontation. But I was unconsciously obeying the ridiculous love advice blogs that demanded I wait for the man to make the first move. The Internet claims this is what men desire, but it essentially arises from a perceived disproportion of power. As a male-run love advice blog claimed, women asking men out, “At the very least, [...] can signify a loss of power” (Katz). Yet many boys claim they actually prefer the opposite, despite the enduring stigmas. Emerson freshman John King scoffed at the ridiculousness of this generalization, saying, “There is literally no guy on Earth who would not welcome a girl to make the first move.”
But beyond simple issues stemming from these relatively discredited opinions, passivity can have a much more harmful reach, with women unwilling to define what they are inclined to give in a relationship and how much they are willing to receive. Which is what healthy relationships are built off of - an understanding of expectations and the a willingness to have an open discussion. Physical and emotional abuse in various forms can erupt from unhealthy relationships inhabited by women who have been taught, either consciously or not, to remain passive in the face of their partner’s wishes.
This isn’t to say that women who are shy or soft-spoken are worth any less or somehow less desirable partners than assertive women. But there is a difference between introversion and passivity. Passivity breeds unhealthy relationship because both partners are unclear as to the nature and the limitations of both romantic and sexual interactions. Nor is this advocating for the somewhat rarer, but still existent issue of female-on-male abuse that similarly arises from an imbalance in power.
Ultimately, relationships are about consensual reciprocity. They require a give-and-take that doesn’t rely on age-old power struggles to propel them forward and instead require both participants to voice their opinions and actively work within the relationship. Passivity promotes power disparities, and unfortunately, this affects women more often than men due to the misogyny that remains threaded through society that still affect both men and women. And while it can sometimes be difficult to consciously overcome, it is important to recognize the double standards that can invade relationships and negatively impact the people in them. Passivity is one of these, and it demands submission disguised as affection.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline onTwitter.
Images: marriagerecoverycenter.com, Corbis
But beyond simple issues stemming from these relatively discredited opinions, passivity can have a much more harmful reach, with women unwilling to define what they are inclined to give in a relationship and how much they are willing to receive. Which is what healthy relationships are built off of - an understanding of expectations and the a willingness to have an open discussion. Physical and emotional abuse in various forms can erupt from unhealthy relationships inhabited by women who have been taught, either consciously or not, to remain passive in the face of their partner’s wishes.
This isn’t to say that women who are shy or soft-spoken are worth any less or somehow less desirable partners than assertive women. But there is a difference between introversion and passivity. Passivity breeds unhealthy relationship because both partners are unclear as to the nature and the limitations of both romantic and sexual interactions. Nor is this advocating for the somewhat rarer, but still existent issue of female-on-male abuse that similarly arises from an imbalance in power.
Ultimately, relationships are about consensual reciprocity. They require a give-and-take that doesn’t rely on age-old power struggles to propel them forward and instead require both participants to voice their opinions and actively work within the relationship. Passivity promotes power disparities, and unfortunately, this affects women more often than men due to the misogyny that remains threaded through society that still affect both men and women. And while it can sometimes be difficult to consciously overcome, it is important to recognize the double standards that can invade relationships and negatively impact the people in them. Passivity is one of these, and it demands submission disguised as affection.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline onTwitter.
Images: marriagerecoverycenter.com, Corbis