By Vikki Bee, Staff Writer, Emerson College
Of the different parts of my identity, the most difficult to explain is my identity within the BDSM world. I'm relatively new to BDSM, and I'm really only starting to wrap my head around the rabbit hole of the kink scene subculture. I've come to learn and like a few things since I've entered the scene, and I've come to learn (and like) a few things about myself and my kinky proclivities. I've taken on a few more labels since my entry into the BDSM scene, adding to my existing collection: woman, cisgender, bisexual, polyamorous, feminist, and so on. I've gained more than one new label in the kink world, but I'd like to focus on just one and how it interacts with some of the other aspects of my identity: being a submissive.
Submission tends to mean different things to different people, but in basic terms, submission is about power exchange; the submissive partner will—with enthusiastic consent and after negotiation—give up power over themselves, their actions, and the events in a given D/s (D for “Dominant” and s for “submissive”) scene to their dominant partner. In practice, this means following orders and rules set down by the dominant partner and it involves a lot of vulnerable emotions and states of mind. This can be in the context of a single scene or it can extend to an entire relationship. There is no one universal way to experience D/s, except that there should always be an emphasis on consent and that the arrangement should fit the needs of all involved parties.
In more personal terms, submission is something that makes me feel small, safe, and valued. It puts me into a different headspace, one where everything is okay and the only thing I need to worry about is pleasing my Dom. It's emotionally relaxing and renewing. It also can be degrading and dehumanizing. That's what makes it exciting, and it's also what makes it erotic. Submission is a difficult experience to explain, but I enjoy it thoroughly.
I don't yet understand all the limits and all the nuances of my submission, but I'm lucky to have patient people to learn with and learn from. I'm enjoying my journey. That said, being a submissive woman as well as a feminist comes with some serious baggage.
There was a time when feminism had a major problem with submissive women. At first glance, it seems contradictory that a woman should be able to fight the patriarchy and demand equal rights as well as get down on her knees and say "Yes, Sir" in the bedroom. Submissive women were seen, at worst, as traitors to their fellow women and, at best, as victims of patriarchal indoctrination. Feminist criticism of submissive women at the time was, of course, noticeably narrow-minded. To these thinkers, dominant women, submissive men, switches, submissive lesbians, genderqueers, and others whose existence challenged their condemnation of submissive women practically did not exist. BDSM was thought of in an extremely binary, heterosexist way, with dominant men and submissive women.
Of the different parts of my identity, the most difficult to explain is my identity within the BDSM world. I'm relatively new to BDSM, and I'm really only starting to wrap my head around the rabbit hole of the kink scene subculture. I've come to learn and like a few things since I've entered the scene, and I've come to learn (and like) a few things about myself and my kinky proclivities. I've taken on a few more labels since my entry into the BDSM scene, adding to my existing collection: woman, cisgender, bisexual, polyamorous, feminist, and so on. I've gained more than one new label in the kink world, but I'd like to focus on just one and how it interacts with some of the other aspects of my identity: being a submissive.
Submission tends to mean different things to different people, but in basic terms, submission is about power exchange; the submissive partner will—with enthusiastic consent and after negotiation—give up power over themselves, their actions, and the events in a given D/s (D for “Dominant” and s for “submissive”) scene to their dominant partner. In practice, this means following orders and rules set down by the dominant partner and it involves a lot of vulnerable emotions and states of mind. This can be in the context of a single scene or it can extend to an entire relationship. There is no one universal way to experience D/s, except that there should always be an emphasis on consent and that the arrangement should fit the needs of all involved parties.
In more personal terms, submission is something that makes me feel small, safe, and valued. It puts me into a different headspace, one where everything is okay and the only thing I need to worry about is pleasing my Dom. It's emotionally relaxing and renewing. It also can be degrading and dehumanizing. That's what makes it exciting, and it's also what makes it erotic. Submission is a difficult experience to explain, but I enjoy it thoroughly.
I don't yet understand all the limits and all the nuances of my submission, but I'm lucky to have patient people to learn with and learn from. I'm enjoying my journey. That said, being a submissive woman as well as a feminist comes with some serious baggage.
There was a time when feminism had a major problem with submissive women. At first glance, it seems contradictory that a woman should be able to fight the patriarchy and demand equal rights as well as get down on her knees and say "Yes, Sir" in the bedroom. Submissive women were seen, at worst, as traitors to their fellow women and, at best, as victims of patriarchal indoctrination. Feminist criticism of submissive women at the time was, of course, noticeably narrow-minded. To these thinkers, dominant women, submissive men, switches, submissive lesbians, genderqueers, and others whose existence challenged their condemnation of submissive women practically did not exist. BDSM was thought of in an extremely binary, heterosexist way, with dominant men and submissive women.
In part because of this, and in part because of the movement toward sex-positivity allowing for kink-positivity, there isn't as much of that kind of hate floating around. Sex-positive feminism nowadays seems to be okay with me doing whatever makes me happy, so long as everyone involved consents. The idea is that I'm an empowered woman, can enjoy submitting to men in the bedroom if I want, and nobody has the right to tell me to stop doing what I enjoy. That simplified look at things is comforting and most of the time I like to just leave it at that.
The rest of the time, I'm not comfortable ignoring the baggage that my kinks come with. I don't think that our surroundings and our socialization have no effect on who we grow into as adults and sexual beings. Maybe I'd still enjoy submission in a world with perfect gender equality, but maybe not. Things being as they are, it's hard for me to feel like I'm not playing into the patriarchy's hands just a little every time I take an order from a man.
Despite those reservations, though, I can't stop enjoying submission any more than I can stop breathing air or thinking boobs are awesome. It's still my right to do what I want and enjoy what I enjoy as long as I'm not hurting anybody in the process. For me, that entails some level of social responsibility. It certainly shouldn't be my job to point out the obvious: that the fact that I happen to be a submissive woman doesn't mean that all women enjoy submission. But I know that the term BDSM still tends to conjure up nothing but images of dominant men and submissive women, that there is still an assumption that submission is or should be the norm for women. Because this is still the case for a lot of people, I think it's for the best if I do what I can to erase some of the misconceptions.
I am a submissive woman—that's a label that I choose for myself, and that I own. I'm still a feminist, I still believe stalwartly in gender equality, and I still expect to be respected.
Vikki B. is the kind of awesome person you totally want to have at parties. She's a pole-dancing, hoop-spinning, cloud-staring writing machine who won't take shit from any of the creepy dudes in Allston, but who still won't post her full name for fear of Conservative Russian Dad Googling her. When she's not doing this, she works at her local sex shop and extols the virtues of cold-brew iced tea.
Images: Corbis, Fort_o on Deviantart
The rest of the time, I'm not comfortable ignoring the baggage that my kinks come with. I don't think that our surroundings and our socialization have no effect on who we grow into as adults and sexual beings. Maybe I'd still enjoy submission in a world with perfect gender equality, but maybe not. Things being as they are, it's hard for me to feel like I'm not playing into the patriarchy's hands just a little every time I take an order from a man.
Despite those reservations, though, I can't stop enjoying submission any more than I can stop breathing air or thinking boobs are awesome. It's still my right to do what I want and enjoy what I enjoy as long as I'm not hurting anybody in the process. For me, that entails some level of social responsibility. It certainly shouldn't be my job to point out the obvious: that the fact that I happen to be a submissive woman doesn't mean that all women enjoy submission. But I know that the term BDSM still tends to conjure up nothing but images of dominant men and submissive women, that there is still an assumption that submission is or should be the norm for women. Because this is still the case for a lot of people, I think it's for the best if I do what I can to erase some of the misconceptions.
I am a submissive woman—that's a label that I choose for myself, and that I own. I'm still a feminist, I still believe stalwartly in gender equality, and I still expect to be respected.
Vikki B. is the kind of awesome person you totally want to have at parties. She's a pole-dancing, hoop-spinning, cloud-staring writing machine who won't take shit from any of the creepy dudes in Allston, but who still won't post her full name for fear of Conservative Russian Dad Googling her. When she's not doing this, she works at her local sex shop and extols the virtues of cold-brew iced tea.
Images: Corbis, Fort_o on Deviantart