Have you ever noticed how dumb people act when they’re under the influence? Whether someone is high as balls or drunk as tits, the most mundane tasks like walking, talking, or even moving can sometimes be difficult. When I’m hanging out with my friends or out at a party and there is drinking or smoking involved, I always tend to observe how stupid people act. Witnessing my friends and countless others try to function when they are fucked up made me want to test whether I’d be better at doing things high or if I’d be better at doing things drunk. To figure out which state of mind I function better in, I came up with five tasks for me to do to compare my performances. The five experiments I decided to do were: taking an online IQ test to measure my knowledge, having someone throw a Nerf ball at me five times to test my reflexes, doing a memory game with cards to test my memory, playing a game of Fifa 14 to test my hand-eye coordination, and having a short conversation with someone to test my verbal skills. So, this past Wednesday I got high and Thursday I got drunk. In four out of the five tasks, I did better high than drunk. More importantly, this “investigation” was quite a fun and interesting experience.
For the IQ test, I went to free-igtest.net and answered twenty questions. They were typical IQ test questions you’d expect to see and I ended up getting a 119 when I was high. The whole test felt like it took forever, even though it only took me twenty minutes. Sometimes I’d just look at a question and think to myself “what the hell does this even mean?” say “fuck this,” and randomly guess. Other times I had to really think for a while and then I’d figure out the answer. The whole test I felt like a first grader because I kept losing focus and my thought process was so simple. The next day I redid this drunk and, even though it was the exact same test, I didn’t remember the answers at all. The whole test I had such strong confidence for some reason, I just didn’t seem to give a fuck about thinking or the questions themselves. I’d answer with great confidence and then move on to the next one without a second thought. It took me five minutes to finish and I had never felt smarter in my life. Then I got my result, which was a 108, and I said, “Well shit on my dick,” and I laughed for two straight minutes.
For the nerf challenge, I had my friend throw a small nerf football at me underhand with a medium amount of power. When I was high I tended to freak out a little and I was laughing a lot, but I focused when the ball came at me. I was literally laughing the whole time and just saying gibberish to my friend as he repeatedly threw the ball at me. I ended up catching eight out of ten passes, but I had such a great time just trying to catch the ball while laughing like a horse the whole time. When I was drunk I would just reach my hands out and grab for the football like I didn’t know what motor skills were. I didn’t think like when I was high, and I just stuck out my hands and prayed that something, hopefully a football, would land in them. Every catch I had I kept looking at the ball for some reason, more often than not contemplating the meaning of life or what I wanted to eat after I was done with the test. I ended up catching nine out of ten passes, feeling confused but at peace with every catch.
Next up I did a memory game with a deck of cards. It’s like the card game Memory, but instead of pictures, I just used a regular set of cards. In this game you flip over cards and have to try to remember where they are to match them. I played my friend and we only used the black cards. I won nine to three, including matching four sets in a row. For some strange reason, when I was high, I didn’t seem to be lacking my memory. I felt like I had a sixth sense of where the cards were. I laughed a lot and talked a lot of shit to my friend every time a matched a pair correctly, especially when I got six matching pairs in a row. I danced in celebration after my victory like I was Little Terio at a Bar Mitzvah. Then I played my friend drunk, and I lost badly to my friend, eight to four, and my memory was absolute shit. I kept picking up the same cards, sometimes three or four times in a row. I just kept thinking the cards had changed and perhaps little gnomes had been switching the cards around when I wasn’t looking. I kept messing up, time after time. Actually, I started singing “If you're lost you can look - and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting. Time after time” until my friend told me to shut my mouth.
Next up I played a match of Fifa 14 with my friend. When I was high it took me forever to pick my team until I eventually chose Chelsea. Surprisingly, I scored a goal within the first few minutes. My defense was basically all slide tackles, and I left my goalie to do all the work because I messed up the amount of power on passes and shots and by missing tackles. I was all about high risk, high reward. It was also hard to type my in-game thoughts when I was playing. I messed up a fair amount more than I would have sober, and it took me a few tries to spell words right sometimes. I was also laughing a lot the whole game. Clearly some of the basics of the game were harder in this state of mind and my heart rate was up. The whole game I was yelling different phrases and noises at the TV. Playing drunk was different. The game was over as soon as it started. I had no clue what I was doing and I sucked at every aspect of the game. I had zero confidence and my only hope for anything productive was luck. I spoke like a drunken homeless guy and I called my friend horrible, horrible names like Tootsie. I played uninhibited and belligerent and was clearly much better high than drunk.
Lastly, I tried having a conversation with one of my friends about random stuff, testing whether I acted more normal high or drunk. When I was high, we talked about class, our likes and dislikes, and what happened that day. I tended to answer quickly and I felt like I had many thoughts going on in my head at once. It felt like a whirlwind of thoughts were racing though my head. I even saw many miniature versions of myself all over his room saying my thoughts individually out loud. I have no clue how I was able to act so normal. Again, it was tough to type. I couldn’t spell and my fingers were just moving way too fast and not always going to the right places on the keyboard. My friend said I seemed to play my high state off pretty well and, if he didn’t know I smoked, he wouldn’t have noticed much. When I was drunk, we talked about how we’d name a debate club the “Mass Debaters,” and kept asking Siri random stuff about sex and spaghetti on Yahoo Answers like we were back in 8th grade. I tended to curse a fuck ton more and I felt disoriented. I felt less in control drunk than high, and I sounded much more sober high than drunk. I slurred my words more and I said weird stuff that didn’t make any sense. Also for some reason while we were talking I danced my heart out because I thought I was auditioning for Flashdance, the one man musical, coming this May. My friend said he could confidently say I completely appeared more sober high than drunk, especially since my voice, tone, and overall demeanor appeared different drunk.
Clearly, being high was the winner of my contest. In every event, besides catching the nerf ball, I was much better when I was high. My prediction of being better at things high compared to being drunk was correct by a mile. Overall, the whole experiment that I made up as an excuse to get high and drunk for “journalism” was a fun success.