*So you took a break from smashing your drunken face on an equally drunk stranger’s face on a Saturday night? Good. Now let me help you. I know you’re on Netflix. Don’t deny it. Let me save you the trouble of clicking on a suggested unknown movie. The ‘pros’ and the ‘cons’ and everything in between are below.
Why You Clicked On It
The cover shows two chicks grabbing their crotch in front of a bright blue backdrop. The marketing team rightfully guessed that both this color, and the word ‘STUNNING’ in bold letters would catch your attention. Add three hard to make out festival awards, and you have the perfect eye catching poster for your average Netflix user.
A 23 year old girl Marina (Ariane Labed) struts through her days in a seaside town. She explores her bisexuality with her best friend Bella (Evangelia Randou) and takes care of her cancer stricken father (Vangelis Mourikis). She is painfully shy and super sexually inexperienced. All of this is shaken when a stranger comes to her town and Marina starts to develop feelings for him.
- Bragging rights
-Both you and Tarantino can say that you enjoyed it
-You are super sophisticated! You spent your Saturday night watching this critical masterpiece instead of being face down in the neighbor’s toilet. Bravo!
-In the first 5 minutes alone, two chicks make out.
-The rest of the film, they are either checking each other out, or talking about penises.
3. PEOPLE GET NAKED…A LOT
-America really doesn’t get “naked”. We get oiled up models, or sexually exploited women on television, but we don’t really get “naked”. As in understand it. At least not like those damn Europeans, am I right?! They just show everything. Fat, skinny, pudgy, flabby, tones, hairy. It all goes. Especially in this movie.
-realistic sex! Always a plus! (at least for those of us who have shitty internet speeds and can’t get on YouJizz). When I say realistic, I mean it. All that’s missing is the close up shot of a meat-stick going into the dark cave of wonders.
- It's a foreign film
2. Random Shit
- Dudes, I am ALL ABOUT dialog. But when you spend 6 minutes talking about a dick tree, with dicks swaying in the wind, I really loose focus. The only person who has mastered the art of keeping my attention while talking about dicks has been Jonah Hill in Superbad, and that’s only because there were visuals.
3. Gross Naked Stuff
- While previously it was mentioned as a positive, at some point I have to say enough is enough. There is a lot of bush, and a lot of tits and a lot of gross amateur making out.
- Example: A chick just resting her hand and face on a dick. I mean. That should sum that point up.
2. Artsy Shit
- Very few moving shots, or panning shots; mostly just static, immovable images. I get it! You are low budget and have a point to make, but would it kill you to maybe throw in a single crane shot, dammit?
- The ending is really anti-climactic. Because life is anti-climactic. Isn't that the point, Mr. Director? I see what you did there.
Don’t see it if you want something uplifting. Don’t see it if you don’t like naked penises, or talking about penises, or women making out because they don't have penises near them. Do not see it if you want something that will cause you to travel to Europe and eat, pray, love.
See it if you want something weird and different. See it if you want to see some terrific acting and very realistic portrayal of daily life (not in terms of the dick trees though). See it if you really like hidden symbolism, unlike The Great Gatsby starring Leonardo DeCaprio or Shaft.
Author’s Note: There is a really beautiful moment when the two friends, Marina and Bella, are walking arm and arm singing a French song. The lyrics talk about being unable to find someone to love while everyone else is happy and coupled up. They are completely oblivious to the right of them where a line of boys are standing and hanging around. They pay them no mind as if they don’t exist. Yet they continue to sing this song that talks about being a victim. In reality the girls are letting opportunities just slip by them, ignorant, stubborn and unaware.
Some may call Dasha Fayvinova a visionary, others just call her really pale. Whichever you prefer, know that she's 5'9 and from the Bronx. She loves writing and she loves comedy which just means she will take any headline and try to make it funny. She spent 5 years of her life talking to a camera and putting it on YouTube so she knows how to please people. Follow her on Twitter @thedasha92.