By Ava Marinelli, Staff Writer, Emerson College
It was 3 a.m. I had been up for nearly 21 hours straight. My AP United States History notes were due in approximately five hours. My teacher was a stickler for organization, and required each page of notes to be formatted in precise, handwritten, outline form. I sat at my desk, painstakingly measuring the distance from the margin line to the next indentation of my outline. Each number, letter, and bullet had to be the exact same distance away from the margin line, and in an exact line with other markers on the page. If even one marker deviated from these lines, I tore out the page in my notebook and started anew. On average, I spent probably about 40+ hours on my textbook notes each unit. I averaged about a 26/30 for each notebook grade. I can still taste the raw, bitter disappointment that rose in my throat when I saw my grades. Sure, an 87% isn’t bad at all…it’s a solid B+. But in my mind, that was nowhere close to good enough. It had to be perfect. Everything had to be perfect. I had to be perfect.
Of course, I never saw myself as perfect. I saw myself as far from perfect as a person could be. But damn it did I try. I thought the only way I could be of value – to my peers, friends, family, society – was if I was perfect. When I didn’t achieve at the level I wanted (and I rarely did), I saw myself as worthless. As it turns out, I was the only one who saw myself that way. But that’s the thing about perfectionism: no matter how untrue your thoughts about yourself and your work are, it’s virtually impossible not to believe them.
In the process of trying to attain all these unrealistic expectations, my mental and physical health took a serious toll. I began staying up so late doing work that I averaged about three to five hours of sleep a night during the school week. By the time I finally dragged myself to bed, I was still so stressed about whether the work I did was good enough and what I had coming up next, I couldn’t fall asleep. I completely lost my appetite and began losing weight rapidly. I developed anxiety and had panic attacks almost every day. I was exhausted all the time. All in the pursuit of perfection.
It took me four years of high school to come to terms with the fact that perfectionism is a problem. And it’s still something I struggle with today. It’s not just something that goes away, it’s something that is ingrained into my personality. We all know someone who is a little like me. Their essays have to be perfect, or maybe they have to be producing earth-shattering documentaries every semester. Perfectionism manifests itself differently in every individual who suffers from the affliction – some people are obsessed with finding a perfect career, having the perfect academic record, or being in the perfect social circle. Some people need to achieve perfection in all these areas. Because everyone experiences it differently, it can be really challenging for individuals to realize something is wrong and, for the same reasons, professionals often don’t accurately diagnose the problem, and society doesn’t really understand what’s at the heart of perfectionism.
Some professionals argue that single-faceted perfectionism (only striving for perfect grades, or a perfect workout routine) can actually be a positive motivator while others argue perfectionism is detrimental in any situation. According to Paul Hewitt, a psychology professor and clinical psychologist, perfectionism is never a good thing. In her article on Hewitt’s work for the American Psychology Association, Etienne Benson paraphrases Hewitt when she says those who argue perfectionism can be beneficial “…conflate two very different things: the desire to excel and the desire to be perfect.
I agree with Hewitt and Benson. There is a major difference between excelling and perfecting. It is completely possible to excel in many subjects. It is not fair to ask yourself for perfection in any subject. Though I’ve only been at Emerson for a month, I am already beginning to see very clearly that many students here cross over the line from desiring to excel into perfectionism territory. When I hear fellow students discuss their work, be it academics or extra curricular activities, I get the sense they are trying to be the “perfect” Emerson student – enrolling in challenging classes, getting involved with activities relevant to their major, participating in resume building activities, and juggling jobs or internships seem to be musts every semester.
I think it’s really important to learn the difference between desiring perfection and success. Of course, these two ideas are often times separated by a very blurry line. I’ve spent most of my life unable to see the difference. Throughout my journey of coping with my own perfectionism, I’ve learned a lot about ways to make this line a little clearer. Some of the strategies I’ve used seem very applicable to the types of students that find themselves at Emerson. We all want to be the best in our fields, and we’re at a school that’s preparing us for just that. However, it can get to be too much sometimes. One of the best strategies I’ve found when dealing with situations in which I feel I need to make something “perfect” is to ask myself what if questions. What if I don’t do this task perfectly? I keep asking myself what if until I start to realize how unreasonable I sound. No matter how real it feels in the moment, one essay will not make or break you graduating on time. One rejection will not determine how successful you will be in your career.
Another good strategy is to remove yourself from the situation. Imagine a friend, lover, sibling, or other important figure is in your situation. Would you expect them to perform at the level you’re asking yourself to perform at? Would you tell them this missed internship opportunity was going to ruin the rest of their life? Probably not. So why would you tell yourself that? It’s a lot easier to be realistic and kind with others than it is to be with yourself. I know it sounds corny, but if you can start treating yourself as a friend, you just might find you start treating yourself with a little more kindness.
Ava is a freshman Writer, Literature, and Publishing major. She is a tea and coffee addict, cupcake lover, and all-around nerd. Feel free to ask her about her fandoms. You can contact Ava on Twitter and Facebook.
Image: Corbis
Of course, I never saw myself as perfect. I saw myself as far from perfect as a person could be. But damn it did I try. I thought the only way I could be of value – to my peers, friends, family, society – was if I was perfect. When I didn’t achieve at the level I wanted (and I rarely did), I saw myself as worthless. As it turns out, I was the only one who saw myself that way. But that’s the thing about perfectionism: no matter how untrue your thoughts about yourself and your work are, it’s virtually impossible not to believe them.
In the process of trying to attain all these unrealistic expectations, my mental and physical health took a serious toll. I began staying up so late doing work that I averaged about three to five hours of sleep a night during the school week. By the time I finally dragged myself to bed, I was still so stressed about whether the work I did was good enough and what I had coming up next, I couldn’t fall asleep. I completely lost my appetite and began losing weight rapidly. I developed anxiety and had panic attacks almost every day. I was exhausted all the time. All in the pursuit of perfection.
It took me four years of high school to come to terms with the fact that perfectionism is a problem. And it’s still something I struggle with today. It’s not just something that goes away, it’s something that is ingrained into my personality. We all know someone who is a little like me. Their essays have to be perfect, or maybe they have to be producing earth-shattering documentaries every semester. Perfectionism manifests itself differently in every individual who suffers from the affliction – some people are obsessed with finding a perfect career, having the perfect academic record, or being in the perfect social circle. Some people need to achieve perfection in all these areas. Because everyone experiences it differently, it can be really challenging for individuals to realize something is wrong and, for the same reasons, professionals often don’t accurately diagnose the problem, and society doesn’t really understand what’s at the heart of perfectionism.
Some professionals argue that single-faceted perfectionism (only striving for perfect grades, or a perfect workout routine) can actually be a positive motivator while others argue perfectionism is detrimental in any situation. According to Paul Hewitt, a psychology professor and clinical psychologist, perfectionism is never a good thing. In her article on Hewitt’s work for the American Psychology Association, Etienne Benson paraphrases Hewitt when she says those who argue perfectionism can be beneficial “…conflate two very different things: the desire to excel and the desire to be perfect.
I agree with Hewitt and Benson. There is a major difference between excelling and perfecting. It is completely possible to excel in many subjects. It is not fair to ask yourself for perfection in any subject. Though I’ve only been at Emerson for a month, I am already beginning to see very clearly that many students here cross over the line from desiring to excel into perfectionism territory. When I hear fellow students discuss their work, be it academics or extra curricular activities, I get the sense they are trying to be the “perfect” Emerson student – enrolling in challenging classes, getting involved with activities relevant to their major, participating in resume building activities, and juggling jobs or internships seem to be musts every semester.
I think it’s really important to learn the difference between desiring perfection and success. Of course, these two ideas are often times separated by a very blurry line. I’ve spent most of my life unable to see the difference. Throughout my journey of coping with my own perfectionism, I’ve learned a lot about ways to make this line a little clearer. Some of the strategies I’ve used seem very applicable to the types of students that find themselves at Emerson. We all want to be the best in our fields, and we’re at a school that’s preparing us for just that. However, it can get to be too much sometimes. One of the best strategies I’ve found when dealing with situations in which I feel I need to make something “perfect” is to ask myself what if questions. What if I don’t do this task perfectly? I keep asking myself what if until I start to realize how unreasonable I sound. No matter how real it feels in the moment, one essay will not make or break you graduating on time. One rejection will not determine how successful you will be in your career.
Another good strategy is to remove yourself from the situation. Imagine a friend, lover, sibling, or other important figure is in your situation. Would you expect them to perform at the level you’re asking yourself to perform at? Would you tell them this missed internship opportunity was going to ruin the rest of their life? Probably not. So why would you tell yourself that? It’s a lot easier to be realistic and kind with others than it is to be with yourself. I know it sounds corny, but if you can start treating yourself as a friend, you just might find you start treating yourself with a little more kindness.
Ava is a freshman Writer, Literature, and Publishing major. She is a tea and coffee addict, cupcake lover, and all-around nerd. Feel free to ask her about her fandoms. You can contact Ava on Twitter and Facebook.
Image: Corbis