My parents gave each other a knowing look and gently explained to me, very calmly, that boys and girls. Can’t. Be. Friends.
I laughed and tried to remind them that my best friend from kindergarten had been a boy, but they insisted that once puberty hits, a platonic relationship between different genders becomes difficult to maintain, and they warned me that my newfound friend would one day, probably in the very near future, try to get in my pants.
I dismissed this argument based solely on the fact that my parents were the ones to propose it, but I had to wonder - can men and women be friends?
From what the media has to say on the subject, it would appear not. While When Harry Met Sally is recognized as a great movie, it certainly sends the message that sex and romance always come between men and women, making simple friendship impossible. The movie portrays the characters as becoming irresistibly drawn to each other as time passes, until their romantic feelings can no longer be suppressed. The same holds everywhere - from Simba and Nala in The Lion King, to Monica and Chandler on a show explicitly entitled Friends. It would appear that two people of the opposite gender cannot sustain a nonsexual relationship.
But where did this come from? It primarily seems to stem from old-fashioned gender stereotypes. In the past, men and women were generally confined to separate spheres of life, with men in the workplace and women limited to home. Men discussed sports and women discussed knitting patterns, and the two genders converged only for the purposes of baby-making. Now, we thankfully have mostly progressed past these restrictive gender roles, into a world where men and women work together, cook together, watch sports together, and hey, my dad was always better with a sewing needle than my mom. In essence, men and women socialize together.
Yet sex and romance are still seen as the ultimate goal of male and female relationships.
Which brings up the issue of the assumptions this generalization makes regarding gender and sexuality. If the rule is men and women can’t be friends, what if one of them is gay? What if both of them are gay? Can two women be friends if they are both lesbians? Is a biological man who identifies as a female allowed to hang out with men? What if someone identifies as both genders? Or neither?
And the ultimate question - who cares?
From personal experience as a straight woman, I can attest to have had several straight male friends, from kindergarten up through high school. These boys never tried to extend our relationship into something more than a casual friendship and I never attempted to flirt my way into a kiss with because - gasp - we weren’t romantically attracted to each other.
It sometimes feels like society believes that if a person is attracted to a gender, gay or straight, they have this irrepressible desire to have sex with every member of that gender. This is especially true with regards to homosexuality, with huge protests in high schools across America about whether gay athletes should be allowed to change in the same locker rooms as the rest of the team, arguing that homosexual athletes would be unable to control their lust in a room of sweaty, semi-naked boys or girls.
But this removes the idea of people from relationships, both romantic and platonic. It eliminates the truth that people have preferences, feelings, emotions, experiences, and self-control. It removed the humanity from human connections. And it also puts bisexuals in an awkward situation. If we view all relationships with people of our preferred gender with sex as the endgame, does that mean bisexuals aren’t allowed to have friends?
As college students in a diverse school, this is an issue very close to us. We might ask ourselves certain questions. Are you really friends with the boys across the hall, or is he just waiting for the right moment? Is the girl who sits behind you just friendly, or is she trying to send you subtle signals that she wants the late-night study sessions to become something more?
Or we could do away with these archaic notions and just decide which people, not genders, but people we like to hang out with. If you have a friend who is of the opposite gender, that’s fine. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. Gay or straight, male or female, both or neither, all or nothing - just have fun, be safe, and if it develops into something more, hey, see where it goes.
But just as a side note . . . that nice coworker who happened to be male? He ended up kissing me in the storage closet after hours. C’est la vie.