By Madeline Poage, Staff Writer, Emerson College
A girl passed me in the hallway with a small, dark-purplish bruise at the base of her neck. She rounded the corner, and another girl standing near me, with a snort of total disgust, her voice laden with judgment, said, “Ew.” As if hickeys are the new identification for the Black Plague. As if the girl was a leper. Contaminated. Dirty. Though the girl beside me didn’t articulate it, it was clear what her “ew” meant: WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT.
And you know what? Who cares?
The girl with the hickey got some last night, the evidence clear on her skin. What’s she supposed to do? Cover it up with makeup, shamefully hide behind a thick scarf? And in terms of PDA, this isn’t even public. It’s just an indication of displays of affections, the actual acts conducted behind closed doors. But what about the actual public affection? Because it seems like PDA has an unfair stigma attached to it, when it should be more widely accepted.
A girl passed me in the hallway with a small, dark-purplish bruise at the base of her neck. She rounded the corner, and another girl standing near me, with a snort of total disgust, her voice laden with judgment, said, “Ew.” As if hickeys are the new identification for the Black Plague. As if the girl was a leper. Contaminated. Dirty. Though the girl beside me didn’t articulate it, it was clear what her “ew” meant: WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT.
And you know what? Who cares?
The girl with the hickey got some last night, the evidence clear on her skin. What’s she supposed to do? Cover it up with makeup, shamefully hide behind a thick scarf? And in terms of PDA, this isn’t even public. It’s just an indication of displays of affections, the actual acts conducted behind closed doors. But what about the actual public affection? Because it seems like PDA has an unfair stigma attached to it, when it should be more widely accepted.
According to most popular websites offering tips and tricks to succeeding in love, most PDA can be described as “gross,” without any further consideration. And while I understand the underlying concept, which, at its most extreme, is not wanting to watch people have sex in public, I find most backlash against PDA to be disturbingly judgmental. For starters, judging PDA doesn’t end with the act of kissing, but leads to judgment of the participants as well. Consider the two girls I described above. One gets to call the other a slut because evidence suggests she had some fun last night. What’s more, different people are held to different standards when it comes to showing their affection. Specifically, women and homosexual couples. Women are supposed to be chaste and, according to the Internet, “keep it classy,” while guys are allowed to touch the bodies of their girlfriends as much as they want. We’ve all seen that. The guy gets a little grabby in a sweet sort of way, while the girl giggles and squirms away. Adorable, right? What’s more, most guys don’t seem to have a definitive opinion on PDA, while girls take it as a personal affront when they see it, leading to girl-on-girl hate and slut shaming. Meanwhile, homosexual couples are seen as “pushing the gay agenda forward” at any sign of outward affection that extends beyond hand-holding - even a split-second kiss hello. You don’t need to look any further than Hollywood and Primetime television to see that while heterosexuals can get as hot and heavy as they want, scenes of homosexual love are rarely shown, as if they’re somehow inherently more dirty. PDA-shaming therefore helps to perpetuate these oppressive societal structures.
Another example. You’re talking to some friends on Boylston Street outside the Little Building. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a couple, smiling at each other, less than an inch away from each other’s faces, maybe leaning against the wall. They start to kiss. You make a face and nudge your friends, snickering or pretending to gag.
But let’s be honest. If they want to kiss on a Wednesday afternoon, where else are they going to do it? We’re in college, where privacy is not guaranteed, and in fact is a rare gift to be cherished. If anything, PDA is more courteous than monopolizing a dorm room and kicking roommates out every five minutes.
Another example. You’re talking to some friends on Boylston Street outside the Little Building. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a couple, smiling at each other, less than an inch away from each other’s faces, maybe leaning against the wall. They start to kiss. You make a face and nudge your friends, snickering or pretending to gag.
But let’s be honest. If they want to kiss on a Wednesday afternoon, where else are they going to do it? We’re in college, where privacy is not guaranteed, and in fact is a rare gift to be cherished. If anything, PDA is more courteous than monopolizing a dorm room and kicking roommates out every five minutes.
Still, advocates vehemently against PDA claim it’s wrong for several reasons, most of which are summed up in a Sparklife article. Number one, as I mentioned before: “It’s gross!” Guess what? Those eyes of yours, currently staring at the couple making out several feet away, ogling obscenely as your mouth twists into a sneer? Yeah, those eyes don’t have to be looking there. If they’re kissing in front of you, they obviously don’t care if you see, so if you don’t want to, DON’T. Just look away.
And number two, which seems to get to the root of the problem people have with PDA: As Sparklife put it, “Valentine’s Day is a sensitive time of year for us single folk. . . The least you could do is stop making out at your locker.” So there it is. This isn’t about kissing being yucky. This is about resent, and to a lesser extent, envy. The article, written as a letter to couples practicing PDA, is even signed, “Everyone Not Making Out With Someone Right This Instant.” Because calling that girl with a hickey a slut and whispering snide comments about that couple kissing for more than 5.5 seconds in the hallway immediately places us above them. The media and the rules of society and biology compel us to want and need sexual and romantic partners, which is why we associate not having one with failure. But we can’t project this onto others. We can’t play into the power dynamic of being slutty versus being pure by pretending that we’re better than PDA-prone couples. Because the truth is, that kissing couple doesn’t care about power dynamics and they don’t care about us as we try to raise ourselves on a purer pedestal far above them. They care about the person they’re currently kissing.
And number two, which seems to get to the root of the problem people have with PDA: As Sparklife put it, “Valentine’s Day is a sensitive time of year for us single folk. . . The least you could do is stop making out at your locker.” So there it is. This isn’t about kissing being yucky. This is about resent, and to a lesser extent, envy. The article, written as a letter to couples practicing PDA, is even signed, “Everyone Not Making Out With Someone Right This Instant.” Because calling that girl with a hickey a slut and whispering snide comments about that couple kissing for more than 5.5 seconds in the hallway immediately places us above them. The media and the rules of society and biology compel us to want and need sexual and romantic partners, which is why we associate not having one with failure. But we can’t project this onto others. We can’t play into the power dynamic of being slutty versus being pure by pretending that we’re better than PDA-prone couples. Because the truth is, that kissing couple doesn’t care about power dynamics and they don’t care about us as we try to raise ourselves on a purer pedestal far above them. They care about the person they’re currently kissing.
And yes, I understand that people shouldn’t insert themselves into other people in public. I get it. But it’s the harsh judgment at the slightest signs of affection that I’ve been noticing that need to stop. A kissing couple isn’t going to bring about the end of the world. Look at Europe, where people have full-on make out sessions in the glorious sunlight of the streets. Because ultimately, PDA only requires two people to be okay with it: the participants. Once again, this comes to us imposing our own moral standards and preferences on other people. Public displays of affection are a part of life. Girls have hickeys. Couples kiss. Love is in the air and all around us. So relax.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline onTwitter.
Images: girlfriday.typepad.com, taracronica.com, http://31.media.tumblr.com/