By Madeline Poage, Staff Writer, Emerson College
First kisses are the gateway drug, the baby step towards the big S-word, the earliest foray into sexual experience. They are that heart-pounding, blood-rushing, pulse-racing act that sends you swooning from excitement. They are also among the more romanticized aspects of sex. Because, as a general rule, first kisses suck. Despite what older siblings and tween novels claim, first kisses are the product of the same thing every time: two people, knees knocking together, who tumble headlong into the rush of hormones until their lips collide, before disappointment swoops down like a veritable Cupid-killer.
Why? Simple: zero experience. Which is fine - everyone starts somewhere. It’s basically proven that making out with a pillow doesn’t help. First kisses are usually an awkward unification of two people attempting to squish every tidbit of information they’ve ever learned from movies and tabloids into one quick smooch. The result? In my experience, my first kiss turned into a fun game of the boy seeing how far he could jam his tongue down my throat.
This is just one bad experience among many. Most first kisses, even if not wholly unpleasant, are uncomfortable at best. After interviewing several fellow college students about their first kisses, the results came in. First kisses have ranged from sloppy to chaste, aggressive to meek, cutesy to passionate, but all, no matter what the age, were executed with a kind of clumsy awkwardness by at least one person. The consensus is that the best a first kiss can hope to be is “memorable,” for better or for worse. Although in one notable incident, freshman Pat Ellwood recalled how after he kissed a girl for the first time, there was “no reaction, and I mean zero.”
So besides lack of experience, why are first kisses so unsatisfactory?
First, there’s the fundamental issue of mechanics - How far should I tilt my head? Should I purse my lips? How far do I stick my tongue in? Do I stick my tongue it at all? How do we stop knocking noses? What do I do with my hands? How can I stop him from doing that with his hands? And that age-old question - how the hell am I supposed to kiss this person when their breath smells like that? (For instance, I spent a summer meeting boys who were looking for their first kisses at the local clam chowder hut. Would not recommend).
These are difficult questions to answer. Important factors include breadth of experience, personal preferences, and height differences. First-timers don’t know how to begin to answer these questions, and usually resort to making up for a lack of finesse with an excess of enthusiasm. Which is how I ended up with Mr. I-want-to-lick-your-esophagus.
Another reason first kisses can be so unbelievably terrible is the fact that they’re scary. They are our first sexual experience, and we are entirely unprepared. In the moments of anticipation, first-time kissers can be sweaty, shaky messes melting into a puddle of unfulfilled hormones and terror. Interestingly enough, among the heterosexual people I interviewed, most noted that it was the boys who were more nervous. This might have something to do with how the interviewees, many of them male, also affirmed that it was the boy who initiated the kiss. One student, John King, recalled the two-hour movie he spent feeling the stress of being unable to plant a kiss on his date. As he put it, “I spent the movie saying, ‘eh, now’s not the right time. One more minute.’ And then the movie ended.”
This in itself might be because boys are under pressure to become sexual beings much earlier than girls in order to assert their “manhood.” Either way, first kisses that involve a boy generally involve said boy spending most of his time working up the nerve to do it, while their partners wait anxiously, wondering if they should be doing something different. One student told the story of a boy who was so high-strung before he kissed her, that when he finally did it, he came in so fast that he missed and slammed his puckered lips into her cheekbone.
This does not lay the groundwork for a good follow-up smooch.
Obviously, boys don’t have to be the ones to initiate a first kiss. For one thing, maybe there isn’t even a boy involved. Which probably means the kiss won’t involve breath that smells like pickles. If it does involve a boy, that’s great too. Enjoy those briny lips. The point is, anyone can be the first to lean in, as long as both of you want it. It’s easy to forget this sometimes, amidst complaints of “my boyfriend won’t kiss me yet,” kissing is something that happens with you, not to you.
This is especially important to remember for people who haven’t had their first kiss yet, as a lot of college students haven’t. Which is fine. Having a first kiss isn’t an achievement to unlock in life, it’s an experience that happens when two horny people like each other enough to want to suck on each other’s mouths for a minute or two. It isn’t something that should be forced. There’s nothing wholly romantic or magical about a first kiss, but it is a person’s first sexual experience. There is a difference between having a bad first kiss because of ignorance and having a bad first kiss because of violent force or reluctant submission to someone else’s desires or society’s standards. That difference is having a funny story, versus suffering from a terrible experience that can influence a person’s perception of sex for years to come.
First kisses can set the stage for a person’s relationship to sex, they can solidify romantic partnerships, they can be an exploration into sexuality and gender identity. But ultimately, first kisses, like any sexual act, have as much power as we give them. Like losing your virginity, having your first kiss doesn’t define you. It just means you’re developing a part of yourself that was previously raw and unformed.
Which means, yes, it will probably suck.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline on Twitter.
Why? Simple: zero experience. Which is fine - everyone starts somewhere. It’s basically proven that making out with a pillow doesn’t help. First kisses are usually an awkward unification of two people attempting to squish every tidbit of information they’ve ever learned from movies and tabloids into one quick smooch. The result? In my experience, my first kiss turned into a fun game of the boy seeing how far he could jam his tongue down my throat.
This is just one bad experience among many. Most first kisses, even if not wholly unpleasant, are uncomfortable at best. After interviewing several fellow college students about their first kisses, the results came in. First kisses have ranged from sloppy to chaste, aggressive to meek, cutesy to passionate, but all, no matter what the age, were executed with a kind of clumsy awkwardness by at least one person. The consensus is that the best a first kiss can hope to be is “memorable,” for better or for worse. Although in one notable incident, freshman Pat Ellwood recalled how after he kissed a girl for the first time, there was “no reaction, and I mean zero.”
So besides lack of experience, why are first kisses so unsatisfactory?
First, there’s the fundamental issue of mechanics - How far should I tilt my head? Should I purse my lips? How far do I stick my tongue in? Do I stick my tongue it at all? How do we stop knocking noses? What do I do with my hands? How can I stop him from doing that with his hands? And that age-old question - how the hell am I supposed to kiss this person when their breath smells like that? (For instance, I spent a summer meeting boys who were looking for their first kisses at the local clam chowder hut. Would not recommend).
These are difficult questions to answer. Important factors include breadth of experience, personal preferences, and height differences. First-timers don’t know how to begin to answer these questions, and usually resort to making up for a lack of finesse with an excess of enthusiasm. Which is how I ended up with Mr. I-want-to-lick-your-esophagus.
Another reason first kisses can be so unbelievably terrible is the fact that they’re scary. They are our first sexual experience, and we are entirely unprepared. In the moments of anticipation, first-time kissers can be sweaty, shaky messes melting into a puddle of unfulfilled hormones and terror. Interestingly enough, among the heterosexual people I interviewed, most noted that it was the boys who were more nervous. This might have something to do with how the interviewees, many of them male, also affirmed that it was the boy who initiated the kiss. One student, John King, recalled the two-hour movie he spent feeling the stress of being unable to plant a kiss on his date. As he put it, “I spent the movie saying, ‘eh, now’s not the right time. One more minute.’ And then the movie ended.”
This in itself might be because boys are under pressure to become sexual beings much earlier than girls in order to assert their “manhood.” Either way, first kisses that involve a boy generally involve said boy spending most of his time working up the nerve to do it, while their partners wait anxiously, wondering if they should be doing something different. One student told the story of a boy who was so high-strung before he kissed her, that when he finally did it, he came in so fast that he missed and slammed his puckered lips into her cheekbone.
This does not lay the groundwork for a good follow-up smooch.
Obviously, boys don’t have to be the ones to initiate a first kiss. For one thing, maybe there isn’t even a boy involved. Which probably means the kiss won’t involve breath that smells like pickles. If it does involve a boy, that’s great too. Enjoy those briny lips. The point is, anyone can be the first to lean in, as long as both of you want it. It’s easy to forget this sometimes, amidst complaints of “my boyfriend won’t kiss me yet,” kissing is something that happens with you, not to you.
This is especially important to remember for people who haven’t had their first kiss yet, as a lot of college students haven’t. Which is fine. Having a first kiss isn’t an achievement to unlock in life, it’s an experience that happens when two horny people like each other enough to want to suck on each other’s mouths for a minute or two. It isn’t something that should be forced. There’s nothing wholly romantic or magical about a first kiss, but it is a person’s first sexual experience. There is a difference between having a bad first kiss because of ignorance and having a bad first kiss because of violent force or reluctant submission to someone else’s desires or society’s standards. That difference is having a funny story, versus suffering from a terrible experience that can influence a person’s perception of sex for years to come.
First kisses can set the stage for a person’s relationship to sex, they can solidify romantic partnerships, they can be an exploration into sexuality and gender identity. But ultimately, first kisses, like any sexual act, have as much power as we give them. Like losing your virginity, having your first kiss doesn’t define you. It just means you’re developing a part of yourself that was previously raw and unformed.
Which means, yes, it will probably suck.
Madeline Poage is a WLP major from New Jersey. When she was little, she wanted to be a professional ghost hunter. She's a Virgo, enjoys long walks on the beach, and enjoys poking dead things with a stick. You can find Madeline on Twitter.