Vikki Bee, Staff Writer, Emerson College
I follow a couple of LGBT pages on Facebook because I've found that life is a little brighter when there are rainbows all over my feed. When I scroll down my newsfeed, I can be sure that I'll skim past at least half a dozen pictures of ladies kissing captioned with sappy quotes. There's a lot of fluff about finding “the one” and being someone's “one and only” and a lot of sentimental, romantic stuff like that. It's cute, but only if you're monogamous. It's come to my attention that most people don't realize that monogamy isn't the only option.
Hi. I'm polyamorous, and it seems to me that most people don't know what that means. If you're one of them, that's totally fine—you're about to discover a whole new way to be a human. To start with a definition, polyamory is the ability, willingness, and desire to fall in love with and enter relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. I'll let that sink in for a moment.
Got it? Now, a lot of people equate polyamory with nonmonogamy, but let's clear that up. Think of nonmonogamy as an umbrella term for everyone who isn't of the one-love-in-my-heart-one-love-in-my-pants inclination. On one end of the spectrum we have swingers and people in sexually open relationships, wherein romantically exclusive partners will agree to seek sexual experiences outside their relationship. These are people who are perfectly happy being in love with their one-and-only, but they'd like some safe, fun sexual variety in their lives.
Polyamory lies on the other end of the nonmonogamy spectrum, on the end where people casually talk about their girlfriend's boyfriend while having coffee with you. Poly folk fall in love with more than one person, investing emotionally in more than one romantic relationship. It's Polyamory Town, not Nonmonogamy World, that I'm here to talk about today.
The thing to remember about polyamory is that each poly arrangement is going to look different. There is no universal how-to guide for being polyamorous, and there's no way to cover the entire world and spectrum of polyamory all at once. What I'd like to do is answer, as inclusively as I can, some of the most common questions monogamists tend to ask poly people. This way, at the least, we all know what we're talking about when we say the word “polyamory.”
“How does that even work?”
Hi. I'm polyamorous, and it seems to me that most people don't know what that means. If you're one of them, that's totally fine—you're about to discover a whole new way to be a human. To start with a definition, polyamory is the ability, willingness, and desire to fall in love with and enter relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. I'll let that sink in for a moment.
Got it? Now, a lot of people equate polyamory with nonmonogamy, but let's clear that up. Think of nonmonogamy as an umbrella term for everyone who isn't of the one-love-in-my-heart-one-love-in-my-pants inclination. On one end of the spectrum we have swingers and people in sexually open relationships, wherein romantically exclusive partners will agree to seek sexual experiences outside their relationship. These are people who are perfectly happy being in love with their one-and-only, but they'd like some safe, fun sexual variety in their lives.
Polyamory lies on the other end of the nonmonogamy spectrum, on the end where people casually talk about their girlfriend's boyfriend while having coffee with you. Poly folk fall in love with more than one person, investing emotionally in more than one romantic relationship. It's Polyamory Town, not Nonmonogamy World, that I'm here to talk about today.
The thing to remember about polyamory is that each poly arrangement is going to look different. There is no universal how-to guide for being polyamorous, and there's no way to cover the entire world and spectrum of polyamory all at once. What I'd like to do is answer, as inclusively as I can, some of the most common questions monogamists tend to ask poly people. This way, at the least, we all know what we're talking about when we say the word “polyamory.”
“How does that even work?”
Communication. Honesty. Honest communication. Comfort with your feelings. Comfort with expressing your feelings. Honesty again. More communication. Communication until the cows come home, and then communication about the effing cows and with the effing cows.
Social scientists, now that they're starting to look at polyamorists for the first time, are actually saying that we communicate a lot more than monogamists are used to communicating. That's because it's an absolute requirement when you're dealing with so many feelings from so many people all at the same time. Communication and consent are key in a poly arrangement, just as they're key in pretty much every single aspect of your interpersonal life.
Social scientists, now that they're starting to look at polyamorists for the first time, are actually saying that we communicate a lot more than monogamists are used to communicating. That's because it's an absolute requirement when you're dealing with so many feelings from so many people all at the same time. Communication and consent are key in a poly arrangement, just as they're key in pretty much every single aspect of your interpersonal life.
More specifically, though, the “how” is where polyamory gets broad and interesting. As I mentioned, every poly arrangement is different. Sometimes a couple that has been monogamous for a long time decides to try dating outside of their “primary” relationship—I dated a guy once who told me about how he made his OKCupid profile during a super cute stay-in date with his girlfriend. Sometimes people (like me) just date whoever they want to date, and make sure to be clear about the whole poly thing from the get-go, with full intent to negotiate an exact arrangement if a committed relationship happens to emerge. And sometimes that means dates that could've happened otherwise just don't happen, and that's okay, too. Sometimes three people will all date each other (often called a triad), or four (a quad), or more (I'm fresh out of shapes, but you get the idea). Some people live in big, awesome poly houses, some end up raising children with their big awesome poly families, and those children end up complaining about how hard it is to get away with setting the dog on fire with so many pairs of adult eyes watching them. The point is that the “how” of polyamory boils down to “however, just keep it consensual, and never stop communicating.”
“But don't you get jealous?”
Short answer, no. Long answer, yes.
It's not exactly true, as some poly folks would tell you, that poly people just don't feel jealousy ever. Of course we get jealous sometimes—we just don't get jealous because our partners have other partners. In fact, we're typically really happy about it. It's something awesome happening to someone you love, so there's every reason to be thrilled. That feeling is called “compersion,” and it replaces jealousy most of the time.
Compersion is the special kind of joy a poly person takes in one's lover being happy and in love with their other lover(s). Sometimes this is the same kind of feeling you'd get from your lover getting the job of their dreams. Sometimes there's a sexual side to it—it's sexy to think of your partner doing intimate, sexy things with another person. It's one of the many ways that positive energy flows between relationships among poly people, leaving everyone feeling better and more secure rather than jealous.
So, why don't poly people feel compersive all the time? The short answer is, “because we're human.” Sometimes not everyone's needs are being met. Sometimes we feel like something's wrong in the relationship. Sometimes problems happen, and one of the feelings that arise when problems happen is jealousy. The difference is that jealousy isn't something that poly folk take for granted or (as some people seem to) celebrate. Instead, we talk about our feelings until the jealousy stops being an issue. It's all very mushy. This goes back to that communication I mentioned before.
“Okay, so is this just a way to avoid commitment?”
This is the part where I begin to wage my war. It's a very important war. And I'm a writer, so this is a war about words. Listen up:
I declare war against the notion that “committed” is a synonym for “monogamous.”
Polyamorous people commit to their relationships just as much as monogamous people do. So, there are polyamorists who prefer to just date casually, just like there are monogamists who prefer the same. And there are polyamorists who want to settle down into committed, lifelong relationships just like there are monogamists who want to find “the one.” The difference between a polyamorist who wants lifelong love and a monogamist who wants the same is that a polyamorist doesn't feel compelled to just have one love all his life.
It's just another way to live and be a human. There isn't more or less commitment implied by being poly. And that, actually, is something that we remember least when we talk about poly people.
Think about the same-sex marriage discussion. There are a ton of rights that come with being married, which is the entire reason why same-sex marriage is such a big issue right now. But nowadays, just as more and more people are comfortable coming out as gay or lesbian or bi or trans or pan or ace, people are starting to explore and choose polyamorous lifestyles as well. So where does that leave marriage equality?
Can we call the push for same-sex marriage “marriage equality” if it doesn't apply to everybody? If I fall in love with a woman and marry her, but then I meet the man of my dreams and enter into a lifelong relationship with him, where does that leave me? All the same problems or same-sex couples who can't marry also apply here, and they're just as serious.
For now, we don't talk about polyamory much at all, much less the notion of polyamorous marriage, but that's starting to change. I'm excited for the day when I no longer have to explain what “poly” means or what it means to be discriminated against as a poly person. I'm excited for the fact that this conversation is starting. I'm excited to be part of it.
Vikki B. is the kind of awesome person you totally want to have at parties. She's a pole-dancing, hoop-spinning, cloud-staring writing machine who won't take shit from any of the creepy dudes in Allston, but who still won't post her full name for fear of Conservative Russian Dad Googling her. When she's not doing this, she works at her local sex shop and extols the virtues of cold-brew iced tea.
Images: Wikipedia, Wikimedia
“But don't you get jealous?”
Short answer, no. Long answer, yes.
It's not exactly true, as some poly folks would tell you, that poly people just don't feel jealousy ever. Of course we get jealous sometimes—we just don't get jealous because our partners have other partners. In fact, we're typically really happy about it. It's something awesome happening to someone you love, so there's every reason to be thrilled. That feeling is called “compersion,” and it replaces jealousy most of the time.
Compersion is the special kind of joy a poly person takes in one's lover being happy and in love with their other lover(s). Sometimes this is the same kind of feeling you'd get from your lover getting the job of their dreams. Sometimes there's a sexual side to it—it's sexy to think of your partner doing intimate, sexy things with another person. It's one of the many ways that positive energy flows between relationships among poly people, leaving everyone feeling better and more secure rather than jealous.
So, why don't poly people feel compersive all the time? The short answer is, “because we're human.” Sometimes not everyone's needs are being met. Sometimes we feel like something's wrong in the relationship. Sometimes problems happen, and one of the feelings that arise when problems happen is jealousy. The difference is that jealousy isn't something that poly folk take for granted or (as some people seem to) celebrate. Instead, we talk about our feelings until the jealousy stops being an issue. It's all very mushy. This goes back to that communication I mentioned before.
“Okay, so is this just a way to avoid commitment?”
This is the part where I begin to wage my war. It's a very important war. And I'm a writer, so this is a war about words. Listen up:
I declare war against the notion that “committed” is a synonym for “monogamous.”
Polyamorous people commit to their relationships just as much as monogamous people do. So, there are polyamorists who prefer to just date casually, just like there are monogamists who prefer the same. And there are polyamorists who want to settle down into committed, lifelong relationships just like there are monogamists who want to find “the one.” The difference between a polyamorist who wants lifelong love and a monogamist who wants the same is that a polyamorist doesn't feel compelled to just have one love all his life.
It's just another way to live and be a human. There isn't more or less commitment implied by being poly. And that, actually, is something that we remember least when we talk about poly people.
Think about the same-sex marriage discussion. There are a ton of rights that come with being married, which is the entire reason why same-sex marriage is such a big issue right now. But nowadays, just as more and more people are comfortable coming out as gay or lesbian or bi or trans or pan or ace, people are starting to explore and choose polyamorous lifestyles as well. So where does that leave marriage equality?
Can we call the push for same-sex marriage “marriage equality” if it doesn't apply to everybody? If I fall in love with a woman and marry her, but then I meet the man of my dreams and enter into a lifelong relationship with him, where does that leave me? All the same problems or same-sex couples who can't marry also apply here, and they're just as serious.
For now, we don't talk about polyamory much at all, much less the notion of polyamorous marriage, but that's starting to change. I'm excited for the day when I no longer have to explain what “poly” means or what it means to be discriminated against as a poly person. I'm excited for the fact that this conversation is starting. I'm excited to be part of it.
Vikki B. is the kind of awesome person you totally want to have at parties. She's a pole-dancing, hoop-spinning, cloud-staring writing machine who won't take shit from any of the creepy dudes in Allston, but who still won't post her full name for fear of Conservative Russian Dad Googling her. When she's not doing this, she works at her local sex shop and extols the virtues of cold-brew iced tea.
Images: Wikipedia, Wikimedia