Ever since the book Fifty Shades of Grey hit the top of the best seller list, it's generated a lot more open discussion about BDSM and kink. However, the way BDSM is portrayed in the book, and in most popular media, is unrealistic and often harmful. In fact, the relationship of the two main characters is pretty much the worst example of how a Dominant/submissive relationship actually works, and the depiction of the relationship in the book goes against everything the kink community values.
The truth is, a lot of the negative perceptions and stereotypes regarding BDSM stem from a lack of knowledge of the subject. So, while the book has definitely caused frustration in the kink community, it has also provided an opportunity to educate others about a topic that is usually invisible in the mainstream.
For those who don't know, there are three parts to the acronym "BDSM." Bondage/discipline means the use of ropes, handcuffs, and restraints, and the practice of using "punishment" to enforce rules and behavior. Dominance/submission refers to the act of power exchange, using titles, roles, and actions, and in and of itself does not imply any acts of pain, bondage, toys, or other related fetishes. The third piece is sadism /masochism, or sadomasochism (S&M). A sadist is someone who gets pleasure from inflicting pain or seeing the pain of others, and a masochist is someone who gets pleasure from experiencing pain.
But beyond the dictionary definition, and more than anything else, BDSM is about power, trust, and communication. Even more than it's about sex. BDSM doesn't have to be about sex. In fact, a lot of the time professional Doms and Dommes will have sessions with paying clients that involve little or no sexual contact. The acts of taking on roles of dominance and submission can and do involve sex when acted it out in a relationship, but there is a lot more to a power dynamic like that than just sexual acts. A Master/slave dynamic is a relationship where two people sign a contract, and then the "slave" takes on a submissive role (also known as being "collared"), while the "Master" or female equivalent (Goddess, Mistress, Domina) takes full control over their partner. Remember, this could be a gay, straight, lesbian, or even polygamous arrangement, and there are plenty of Dominant women in BDSM! This D/s dynamic can even be expressed in a 24/7 lifestyle, where everything the partners do revolves around their chosen dynamic, from doing laundry to grocery shopping.
So what's so wrong about the way Fifty Shades of Grey portrays a D/s relationship? The relationship between Anastasia and Christian is obsessive, unhealthy, and abusive. The go to tagline in the BDSM community is "safe, sane, and consensual." If you're planning on trying out any fetish or kink, the first advice you are going to get from someone in the community is to make sure you are communicating and that everything that happens between you and your partner(s) fits that motto. This need to communicate, especially because one partner is often placed in incredibly vulnerable positions that require complete faith in their partner(s), usually fosters a very close, honest, trusting relationship. In a healthy relationship the submissive partner still maintains indirect control over what happens based on agreement and limits made beforehand. Most people who are part of the BDSM community say that being the dominant partner actually comes with far more responsibility and can be difficult and complex. Also, Fifty Shades of Grey enforces sexist gender roles. The BDSM community is both feminist and sex-positive, focusing on the importance of everyone finding sexual fulfillment in whatever way suites them best.
So what does "safe, sane, and consensual" mean other than using a condom and finding someone who wants to experiment with you? A lot, actually. One of the biggest problems with Fifty Shades of Grey is the absence of a safeword in the relationship. In the real world, there is no such thing as a BDSM relationship or encounter without an established safeword. A safeword is a code word that the submissive partner can use to unambiguously communicate with the dominant partner so that at any moment the submissive can end the "scene" completely. Safewords are agreed on before any encounter begins and are always respected. This establishes a line of communication and trust, which allows the participants to explore the roles they have taken on without fear of hurting their partner or pushing their partner beyond the point of comfort.
Being safe and sane also means something very specific to the practicalities of BDSM. As the fetishes and actions become more intense, they become riskier, especially for the submissive partner. Safety means never engaging in an action that you are not qualified for, like complex rope-bondage, flogging, and knife play. These things can be an important and desired part of a BDSM relationship or encounter, but if the tool or toy of choice is not used by someone who knows exactly what they are doing and what the human body can handle, there is a serious risk of injury. Because of this, professional Doms and Dommes often have a near-scientific understanding of human bodies, anatomy, stamina, etcetera.
The point is that people who are actually involved in this community and lifestyle know what they are doing, take it seriously, and do it carefully. No one should try and convert someone who has stated they are not interested in BDSM, as Christian Grey appears to do in the book. A lot of the pieces of the story that simulate the correct practices of a healthy BDSM relationship, such as signing a contract and going over limits, are twisted or ignored, and Anastasia Steele does not even sign a contract before having D/s encounters with Grey. He even turns up at her house unannounced after she says she isn't interesting. Major red flag, by the way, if you are ever trying to find a reputable dominant partner. The book devalues the romantic loving aspects of a BDSM relationship in ways that make it seem as if it is all about the sex, and all about what the dominant partner wants. This is just not true. In fact, most people who analyze the book would say that Grey wants a "kinky" relationship, but not an actually D/s BDSM relationship, because a lot of what that means isn't even addressed in the book.
So, if you are reading this article and thinking hey, this might be something I'm interested in, or you already knew you were interested but didn't know what to do about it, there are a few resources I would suggest you check out. To start with, Wikipedia happens to have a pretty extensive and fairly accurate page about BDSM that covers a lot of the terminology and etiquette. You can also just search Google for "BDSM safety" for some important explanations. If you are looking for a partner or just to meet people who are active in the lifestyle, the best option is Fetlife.com, a dating/social networking site that connects people in local areas to each other. Fetlife is a great place to start because there are organized "munches" where local people will get together just to hang out, talk, and network. You can meet professional Doms and Dominatrixes who can teach you the ropes (hey, a pun!), go to public displays, meet other people who are your complementary opposite, and maybe find someone with whom you'd want a relationship
And if you're a bit overwhelmed by all this, or think that you might be into a little bit of handcuff and role play but nothing more serious, that's cool too. A little bit of kink in your sex life is never a bad thing, and a lot of kink just makes everything more interesting. Just remember the words safe, sane, and consensual!