When I first started my long-distance relationship a year ago, I became curious as to how many people in this constantly interconnected world were in my situation. It only took a quick search on Google to realize that thousands and thousands of people are trying their luck at long-distance. The articles and advice on how to handle the loneliness, sexual frustration, trustworthiness of your partner, etc, were just as endless as the personal stories. I was overwhelmed with one impression of LDRs, and that impression was a negative one. It seemed like it was tearing people’s emotions left and right. This made the start of my relationship much more rocky than it should have been, until I found for myself the multitude of benefits that come from being far away from your loved one. Don’t get me wrong, it is very difficult at times and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but I don’t want to write about that. Most people understand the risks. What most people don’t get to hear about is how wonderful LDRs can be. I am in the happiest and healthiest relationship of my life, and I attribute much of that to the distance.
Rich and I met on Tumblr after we discovered we had similar taste in TV shows and music. He was a radio DJ and had that hipster lumberjack look going for him. I lived in Phoenix, AZ and he lived in Buffalo, NY. Long story short, we waited to meet one another for about eight months. We had one day together and after we each went back to our respective homes it was simply understood that we were in it for the long haul. We have been together ever since in a very strong and respectful partnership.
So why don’t I think LDRs are a total drag? Well, for one, the distance allows you to maintain your own lives while you’re both in the “honeymoon” part of your relationship. It’s very easy to become almost one entity when you are in this stage. Though it feels wonderful to be so in love with another person, being “in love” is not what will last. The crazy euphoria will eventually fade. What lasts is the respect you have for your partner and the desire to help each other lead happy lives outside of and within your relationship. What will last is remembering the three different journeys taking place: yours, your partner’s, and the relationship's itself. The danger of ignoring your independent journeys and focusing solely on the relationship is that you forget how to give love to yourself. You begin to need more and more from your honey, who is just a human being and cannot give you the love you crave, the kind that can only come from within you.
With distance, it is a given that you will each have a life outside of one another. While I was still in the honeymoon stage of my and Rich’s relationship, sure, I very much wanted to be with him 24/7 - but the fact remained that I couldn’t, and it forcefully pried me away from poisonous codependence that I had been very good at in previous relationships. Without the distance, we would have been frantically in love and would have possibly neglected to focus on our foundations.
This brings me to my next point, which is that distance forces you to enter each other’s lives with a level of maturity not totally necessary for normal relationships. The rough patches are, in a sense, a blessing. Without building strong trust and respect between one another, LDRs simply don’t work. You push through situations that have to be handled more delicately - suspicion and feelings of monotony or intense loneliness are some of the most common emotions that appear. Without an honest desire for your partner’s happiness, trust that they adhere to the rules of your relationship, and respect for them as people, distance will not be kind to you. I was absolutely awful at understanding the delicate balance of selflessness and independence necessary in healthy relationships until my LDR forced me to practice it, over and over and over. Communication in general is also something you will learn to do very well with one another.
You are also forced, in most situations, to talk about money, which is a surprisingly difficult thing to discuss. When I’m not going to school, Rich and I live far enough away from one another that it requires a seven-hour plane ride, which is expensive. Even when I’m at school in Boston and he’s at home in Long Island, it’s a choice between a pricey four-hour train ride or an eight to nine hour bus ride. You will have to become comfortable discussing your income and how to balance it so no one person is paying too much. Rich usually has to come down to see me, so I pay for hotels or meals to balance out his traveling costs. Coordinating these trips is a whole other hell that requires several calendar checks and schedules that somehow coincide. You will need to make sacrifices. I’m planning on going up to his home for Easter weekend, which means a lot of traveling in a very short amount of time. Is this ideal? No, but I’m willing to do so in order to be with him and his family. You learn to be generous with one another both with time and money, which can make eventually moving in together much easier.
We have arrived at my final point of why LDRs are wonderful: you begin to think in long stretches of time rather than a day-to-day basis. Rich and I usually have to wait several months between visits. This might sound absolutely awful (and yes, of course I always miss him) but there is a huge benefit that makes up for it. A long-term outlook aids you in letting go of compulsive and rash feelings that can destroy relationships. This is also beneficial because it’s a prerogative to look forward to a time when you can eventually live in the same space. The time, in our case, is several years, which seems ridiculous. However, waiting several years doesn’t seem like a massive amount of time for us as we already have to think month by month; and clearly, we’ve built a huge amount of strength between us, all thanks to long-distance.
Autumn Farrell is a short, tea-loving Latina who hails from the poetry, theater, and dance scene in Phoenix, Arizona. She has a stash of horrible smelling herbs in her underwear drawer and is probably the biggest fan of ironic swag rap you will ever meet. If this Gemini can talk to you about astrology she will follow you for the rest of your life. Before she dies she wants to be a famous pole dancer and educate millions on the importance of spiritual wellbeing.