Hi. I’m a nineteen-year-old girl. I like reading, singing, baking, and coffee. Those are my defining characteristics, and I could talk about them for days. But right now I’m going to discuss a smaller facet of my life: my virginity.
This isn’t a sermon from a holier-than-thou perspective. I was raised with no religious affiliation whatsoever, and I think I’ve set foot in a church five times in my life.
This isn’t the defense mechanism of a horrendously unattractive bitch. I’m no Beyoncé, but I’ve done a bit of modeling and I get hit on at train stations regularly enough to be confident that my face doesn’t send men running for the monastery. It’s entirely possible that my personality is somehow a major turnoff, but I do have friends so I’m guessing (or at least hoping) that I’m socially tolerable.
This isn’t a rant from an unbearable prude. I like the idea of sex. A lot. And I’m seriously, seriously looking forward to my first time.
The only reason this article is anonymous is because I don’t consider this to be my defining feature, and I’m a strong believer in keeping your personal life private. I just have something simple to say: as someone who’s not in any big rush to have sex, I really wish people would stop making such a big deal of virginity.
I’ve had guys I’m hooking up with get freaked out once they find out I’m a virgin, thinking that if they have sex with me I’m going to get all infatuated and obsessive and start calling them baby. I’ve had friends react with pity and horror and try to take me under their wing as a sort of charity case. “Girl, I’m going to get you laid if it’s the last thing I do,” they’ll say. “We’ll go out together - I know plenty of guys who would love to sleep with you!”
Both those scenarios make me angry.
First of all: yes, I’m a virgin. But I’m far from inexperienced. I’ve had some steamy hookups, one-night flings, and summer passions. So I find it frustrating and somewhat quaint when a guy says he doesn’t want to be my first time, as if he’s going to be so good in bed that I won’t be able to give him up. Second of all: sure, I go through dry spells. And I always appreciate a good wing-woman. But if you smugly try to set me up with an easy lay I will throw my drink in your face, soap opera style, and insult your shoes.
The problem people seem to have is that they think virginity is either an integral part of my identity or something like a bad hair day that I can’t wait to fix. I’m neither clinging to it nor trying to shed it. My virgin status isn’t one thing or another: it just is. Some days I can’t wait to have sex, but that’s not because I feel inadequate or immature—it’s just because I feel horny.
I have a lot of respect for girls who want to wait for a committed relationship, or even until after marriage. They have strong principles—and a fair amount of self-restraint—and that’s awesome. Same goes for girls who lost their virginity at the age of sixteen and/or have sex on a regular basis. I’m just sick of the stigma associated with virginity in both guys and girls. Whether a girl is saving herself, picking up guys every weekend, or hooking up now and then but not pushing anything (like me), it really shouldn’t be an issue.
Maybe my first time will be on a bed surrounded by roses and candles with a guy I care a lot about. Maybe it will be against a wall with some dude I met at a party. Maybe it will be in my dorm with a friend after drinking too much. Whether it’s romantic, sloppy, or awkward, it’s my business—and it’s still in the future. In the meantime, all I want is for people to calm down about virginity, and maybe a nice cute guy to make out with. Is that so much to ask?